MaggotZine

2010-03-10T13:19:00.000-05:00

the machine

2009-12-11T13:56:00.000-05:00

sometimes the machine gets so large, the cogs dont even know they are parts of the machine. when the machine breaks, the cogs upstairs dont tell the cogs downstairs. the machine stays broken until one rogue cog breaks free and takes down the whole machine. then and only then can there be a purpose for every cog. then and only then will we realize the machine was broken to begin with and can rebuild a new, better machine.

Under the Semen

2009-07-02T21:34:00.009-04:00

We've all heard of the classic Disney movie subliminal sex references. If you haven't (or have somehow forgotten due to some mix of maturity and the fact that you can now access porn instead of looking for a cartoon chub), let's review. The genie in Aladdin tells the dude and Jasmine to be "good teenagers" and "take off your clothes." Flowers that Simba lies on in The Lion King's love scene (?) fly up to spell the word "SEX." But I think my favorite is The Little Mermaid.

Not only does the priest get a stiffy (hm...) while about to marry the Prince with that octopus bitch, but the cover pretty much speaks for the utter dirtiness of the Disney animators...and perhaps explains how they subliminally turned us into nymphos.

There is a. Blatant. Dick. Drawn right on the front.

That's right, boys and girls. A giant glittering disco stick as a turret of the underwater palace. Check your copy if you don't believe me. You know you have one, even if you want to tell people it's "your little sister's." So the next time you tell your friend that a pipe looks like a dick, remember that it was Walt Disney who taught us that sex is everywhere-and so are cocks-and tell him to go watch this movie.

"Darling, it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me!" -Sebastian, The Little Mermaid, "Under the Sea"

Thoughts On Dead Michael

2009-06-26T02:34:00.003-04:00

I honestly never thought this day would come. Just the other day, I was talking about how excited I was to see what kind of nutty shit Mike would be getting into five years from now. I envisioned him riding an ostrich to the grocery store, wearing a goalie mask and a kimono. I imagined a police report detailing a pale, emaciated man masturbating into a sombrero on a busy playground. Anything was possible with this guy.

I figured his lunacy would come full-circle and he'd start nailing broads. He would grant an exclusive interview to Rolling Stone, in which he would use the word "pussy" 57 times. He would throw insane parties where you constantly ran the risk of walking in on Michael getting a handjob. The partying phase would quickly come to an end after an aspiring model is bludgeoned to death with the Elephant Man's femur.

Is Bubbles still alive? That fucking guy should write a book. Everybody underestimates the monkey. They see everything. EVERYTHING.

My favorite part of the picture I used is not Michael's suit. It's the fact that it's impossible to determine whether some of the kids with him are retarded or just way more asian-looking than the others.

What do you mean "Too far?"

2009-06-22T23:52:00.002-04:00

I was recently invited to a friends hotel party. He isn't a very good friend (not in the sense that he doesn't listen or give me hugs but in the aspect that i don't know him incredibly well) so i was hesitant to attend. but after drowning my doubt with multiple shots of Jameson and tequila i was off to the hotel party. 15 minutes into this horrid "party" i knew i should of just went to my local watering hole and mingled with the gutter girls that frequent the bar. This party was something out of cables favorite 'Step by Step' or 'Full House' (a bunch of white kids dancing like Springsteen and drinking low carb beers.) I cut my losses and went for broke. i was going to get trashed and either piss everybody off or make them have the time of their lives. in the next half hour I had convinced everybody to do a shot every 5 minutes. i manipulated the girls to make out and remove their oh so uncomfortable clothing. I co horsed the host of the party to order room service, porno and to purchase me cigarettes from the gift shop. things were looking up (here's where i found out my views on Partying and having fun are far from the norm). A few of the guests had passed out and a kid that looked like Kuato from Total Recall voiced that we should fuck with the unfortunate saps that had zonked out early. Of course the consensus was the ever so boring draw penises, undo pants, balls on forehead etc... I decided to take the lead and show my nerdy followers how to 'Fuck with the passed out' in the only way i know how. I told them to get a camera ready and to just start taking pictures. I proceeded to get naked, climb above a kid passed out on the couch, put a maker up my butt and then draw on his face "Hands Free" if you will. my penmanship was a bit choppy due to my uncontrollable laughter but none the less it was good work. after my dismount off the couch i removed it from my cavity and put it in my victims hand. to my surprise it did not go over well and like a black guy at a diner in the 50's, i was told to get the fuck out. I have yet to receive an email of the pictures.

Speaking of Which...

2009-06-22T15:57:00.003-04:00

1. I don't know what kinda dicks you've been looking at, but that pipe...no dude...no.

2. They put a giant condom on this obelisk in Buenos Aires to celebrate(?) international AIDS day, I wonder if there's a room for rent in that reservoir tip:

Phallic Buildings

2009-06-22T14:57:00.008-04:00

I was walking down the street in Allston last week when something caught my eye. Something was strange about a pipe that was coming out of a building. I turned around to take a second look at this strange pipe, and I noticed...it looks just like a dick!

I snapped a photo, and my friend I was with thought it was amusing. I pay close attention to buildings, and I've noticed that many buildings look like dicks. Seeing this phallic pipe reminded me of a website I used to laugh at once in a while. It is the hall of fame of phallic buildings. It's had to deny that architects purposely put a giant cock in a city somewhere, most of the time meaning dominance, masculinity, power, or monumentality.

So here is a website dedicated to buildings that look like dicks. Some of you may recognize some of these perpetrators which penetrate the Boston skyline obscenely.

Freakin' Out at a Pigeon

2009-06-21T21:47:00.002-04:00

I was chilin at Back Bay station waiting for a train to Sharon and noticed some guy was sitting on a bench all sprawled out like a bad ass, not giving others a chance to sit. Then out of nowhere, a pigeon came swooping in for a landing about 7 feet infront of the guy. This startled the hell out of the guy and he let out a little yelp. I think this was out of embarrassment, but the guy proceeded to get up and start yelling obscenities at the bird. He then raised his arms and challenged the bird to a fight. Now extremely embarrassed, the guy left the train station abruptly. Now, it's quite obvious that the man was in that station for a reason... to catch a train. Then, his entire plan was diverted and he didn't even get to ride the train. Moral of the story, don't let pigeons get in the way of your destiny. Thank you for reading my MaggotZine debut.

Group therapy

2009-06-20T16:30:00.004-04:00

I have been ordered to attend mandatory group therapy meetings because apparently I have a substance abuse problem. Someone figured this out when I got a DUI whilst hanging out the window of my car swigging a bottle of captain morgan. My friend was driving in front of me wearing a joe dirt wig and a wife beater in a CLS500. We have not yet determined if he was awake during the entire episode as his head was in his own lap. It should be noted Joe dirt felt it necessary to drive northbound on a southbound one-way road and then crash into our friends parked truck.
The police also made a note there was a large open bottle of captain morgan rum half empty and poorly hidden in my back seat. I was unaware drinking and driving was no longer considered a sport. Anyway.
We had a group session today. My first of ten. Among my peers were a few half senile old men and a few half senile young men-and one 23 year old girl who was about as sharp as my index finger and as aware of her own annoyance as much as K Fed is of his own asininity.
I now believe i do have a substance abuse problem.
They asked how many times do you need to have been drunk in your life to be considered a substance abuser.
No one responded.
So he asked how many rapes you need to be considered a rapist.
I said three or four.
Hilarity ensued.
I now know im a substance abuser. And scene.

...

2009-06-19T19:20:00.001-04:00

Never Been So Impressed By YouTube Garbage

2009-06-19T15:38:00.000-04:00

SUBWAY Chasing the 'Urban' Demographic in my Dream World?

2009-06-17T23:01:00.005-04:00

I had this new idea to start writing down my dreams, because lately I've been having these crazy 8 hour dream odysseys that it would be a shame to let slip into the abyss of my stoner (non)memory. Some of the recent ones have been pretty interesting, like the one where I was God and I didn't give a fuck about shit except hanging out with other God-Bros and chasing divine Goddess booty meat. But up till today this plan to record my dreams just meant that I had a little notebook next to my bed which I filled with countless sketches of guys with high top fades (HTF's). Finally, I woke up with a dream still being vivid enough in my mind that I told it to someone else verbally, and that cemented the crucial details in my mind enough that I can now share this dream with the single digit number of people who I suspect might only be looking at the pictures of this blog.

Prepare to have your fucking minds blown:
(may not have any relevance if you're unfamiliar with some of the people and places mentioned)

So...in the real world I had already woken up around 9 AM and I went back to sleep knowing that I was going to have someone coming to wake me up around 12 to go demolish a deck.

In my dream, this was the most important thing on my mind, but before I could meet my friend for work I had to get some food in my gut. So i went to Pizza Market to get a small cheese pizza (SCP) and an orange soda extreme (OS X). When I arrived, it seemed there was a scorpion infestation behind the counter. When I paid for my food, they tried to discuss said infestation with me, but I couldn't really understand what they were saying and so I smiled and awkwardly walked away.

When I went outside, the little BMX punks were loitering hard, talking mad shit. If you know Pizza Market/Heights Plaza then you know what I'm saying. They shouted unintelligible banter all around my shit and all I did was glare and keep walking to where I had parked my car. When I got there, I realized it was fucking gone. Then I walked up and down the parking lot with pizza in hand looking for my car, slowly starting to lose my shit. Some mysterious ass-dick was walking with me and trying to console me by saying someone was just fucking with me and would bring it back but that pissed me off even more. I started panicking because I had to go meet my friend Pete to do this deck thing, although the weather was not supportive of outdoor work: it was night time and snowing heavily.

As I was wandering up and down the parking lot checking the same places again and again, I saw Jay Blair(my class president and friend who is way cooler than the usual 'class president stereotype') walking toward me donning a smart tweed sports coat with a vibrantly colored ascot. As he approached, I forgot about the car search for a minute and prepared for polite small talk. He told me he was opening up a SUBWAY franchise in Heights Plaza and somehow I already knew about it. We talked about stuff and things, while I noticed over his shoulder that they seemed to be shooting an 'urban' demographic-aimed TV commercial in the SUBWAY. There's nothing I hate more than marketing campaigns that strive for 'urban' appeal (especially the recent marketing strategy McDonald's is trying to be all about with the indie music and the public transportation), but I masked my contempt for the moment. The class president broke off to go oversee his new business venture, and I went back to getting uppity about my car.

In real life, I'm very well known for my non-reliability and getting my car jacked right before this job I was supposed to do was really gonna hurt my 'working man image'. Needless to say, I was stressing hard, but then suddenly it hit me: this shit isn't real/SUBWAY franchise owners don't dress this well/Jay's in San Fran/I'm in my bed and my car is in my driveway. Then my alarm went off and my friend Pete let himself into my house to wake me up at the exact same time. So then I told him about my epic dream and we watched soccer moms ram minivans into curbs. Then we ripped apart this deck which had an ant infestation (foreshadowed by scorpion infestation?), then later I touched all the spots where they sprayed ant killer and, as I'm writing this, my mouth still tastes like Poison...

ThunderMatt's Last Post Inspired Me To Drop This Realness On All Yall

2009-06-17T19:02:00.003-04:00

I feel like many people don't watch The Daily Show, thus I'm worried this GEM may have slipped by unnoticed. Quite related to ThunderMatt's post and fucking hilarious.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Long Island Wants to Secede

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Jason Jones in Iran

Check Out Green Box! (not a venereal disease)

2009-06-17T18:47:00.002-04:00

I'm really into pizza (or 'za'), so obviously this new invention is right up my ally.

I've gotten pretty creative with strategic box ripping in the past, but it was always frowned upon in the 'za' community.

The future is now!

'Green Box' Product Promo (Pizza Box) from Green Box on Vimeo.

REALLY COOL THINGS

2009-06-17T18:29:00.003-04:00

All of these things are really cool and if you want to be cool you should have or do them:

Tattoos!
Harley Davidsons!
Pleated Pants!
DENNIS RODMAN!
Blowout Haircuts!
Tiny DOOOOGS!
MMA TRAINING!
AFFLICTION HAAATS!
Constantly Updated STATI on FACEBOOOK!
Ventless SUIT JACKETS!
RVCA TEE SHIRTS!
Sandals with JEANS!
HAIRGEL!
A BARTENDING JOB! And a superficial SUPREMACY COMPLEX ABOUT IT! MAKE MY DRINK AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!
MILKSHAKES NIGGA!
MULTIPLE REPEATEDDD LETTERSSSS AND CAPS LOCK!
Hammers!
Arrogance when you cant even do your laundry, define sartorial, name the members of operation ivy, pay your rent, explain the single complication of a BELL AND ROSS BR01, ASSEMBLE A CPU FROM SCRATCH, download microsoft office FO FREE, do 100 push UPS, navigate yourself to a location you have only been once, PATCH A FLAT TIRE in a PARKING LOT, ROOF A HOUSE, perform a multi-level sort on excel, hit a BASE BALL, do a back FLIP, point out any girl and get her number, discern automatic MOVEMENT from QUARTZ, BUILD A DECK, name the atomic make up of a CARBOHYDRATE, differentiate ERMENEGILDO ZEGNA from HELMUT LANG and know how to determine the authenticity of either, dissasemble and REASSEMBLE a HK USP .40 compact, understand the works of MARQUES de SADE, fuck yourself im done

The Bank

2009-06-12T20:21:00.004-04:00

I went to the bank today.

As I was leaving a dodge ram SRT10 careened into a handicapped spot. A large man in his late twenties or early thirties wearing a black affliction shirt, jeans and a douche bag haircut hopped out spryly and nearly bumped into me on his important path inside the bank.

He had to have been from new york or boca raton. He had a look of entitlement about him indicating he had never worked a day in his life and cheated his way through school; however, somehow he was built like a lumberjack and had a nice truck. He had big aviator sunglasses and true religion jeans. (My grandmother was involuntarily and vexingly handicapped).

I asked him if he was handicapped.

"Do I look it?" he replied dismissively as continued on in a limber stride.

I was awestruck. I held the repulsive vile rage in and modestly asked him "Do you want to be?"

He looked back questioningly to find that I had not moved from in front of his truck or taken my eyes off him. He made his transactions and felt my thousand yard stare on his back for the next ten minutes.

Exiting the bank he healthily strode past me limp-free into as I glared awesricken at his brazenness. The man tucked himself neatly into his truck and decided he was safe. I still had not moved or blinked.

As I walked away, he had a swell of pride. He rolled his window down and said “What?”

This is exactly what I wanted.

Now I’m not the type to start fights. Not only do they lead nowhere, but 99% of people do not expect or know what to do in an altercation unless they have been drinking or they are with their boys. Especially in Boca.

This could go two ways from here. I could tell him I wanted to rip the jugular vein out of his neck and drink from it like a keg in the parking lot. Perhaps I would tear his jaw off, grind it up with a protein shake and enjoy it after a nice workout. Maybe I’d wear his scalp like a hat. I had a few ideas. OR perhaps I could be the bigger man and gracefully help him realize his flaw. I chose the high road.

I saw the look in his Prada-shaded eyes as I stuck 60% of my body in his open passenger side window and calmly asked him to repeat the question. Perhaps he had not anticipated this. Apparently no one had ever dare disagree with this large, spoiled young man. He fumbled slightly and hit the lock button on his door.

Laugh. (Inside my head.)

The 6 foot tall 200 pounder looked at me, bewildered a 5’7” 160 pound punk ass would cross him and his anger grew. He became flustered as I calmly asked him again if he was handicapped. He replied with defensive answers like are you a manager here? Are you a cop? What the fuck, bro? I responded no. He was still seated in his truck and I had not flinched.

I asked him to really think about what he is doing and if this was even an argument. He told me to “mind my fucking business.” I prodded more, just to see how much of a pussy this guy was. I gave him a shit eating grin and said finally “Think about what you’re doing right now.” He cursed as he rolled up his window and peeled off, pointing at me. I had not intended to start a fight here; in fact I knew this man would not do a thing no matter how hard I pressed. Hopefully he got the message. I’m sure he realized his douchebaggery 5 minutes down the road and that’s one less douchebag for the day.

I win.

The Original Idea For MaggotZine was "Brain Puke"...

2009-06-11T23:48:00.003-04:00

I really shouldn't be posting this, but sometimes you gotta go with your gut.

These pics are compiled so well, and they really are the cream of the crop. I started my search because I wanted to find the one that seems to have taken place at Fitchburg State, where I just transferred to for the fall. I knew I had to have this pic on hand to sum up my feelings after orientation today, it's too important to ignore that one of the most seen and most epic puke pictures of all time went down on or near the very campus I'll be spending the next two years at. Well, here it is.

Anticipation for Another New Album

2009-06-10T16:36:00.003-04:00

Dinosaur Jr's new album called "Farm" is scheduled to come out at the end of the month. I already have my autographed copy pre-ordered, and I suggest everyone pick it up. In lue of Dinosaur's new offering, I bring you the first single entitled "Over It" and the video to go along with it. Dinosaur's video have always been funny, and this one may be my favorite yet. It's clear in the video that the bands passion for skateboarding still lives on, and J Mascis can really shred!

Sweet Emotion

2009-06-09T15:40:00.003-04:00

I live in "The Aerosmith Building". Aerosmith lived in my building for the first few years they lived in Boston, and wrote many of their first songs here. I had always known this since I moved in, but it wasn't until recently that I saw the "Sweet Emotion" video and flipped. The video was shot in the basement of my building, where I take out the trash actually. The basement looks different than it did during the filming in 1991, however it's still really cool, being an Aerosmith fan, to live here. This may not be the typical MZ post, but I thought I would share this. Look for the exterior shot of the building and stoop, which drifts into the band playing downstairs in the basement.

The Most Important Music Video Since The Introduction of MTV

2009-06-08T18:06:00.004-04:00

I just randomly had a flashback of this and I had to find it on YouTube.

I miss the 90's, remember the Toadies? I just got Rubberneck again it's just as good as it was ten years ago, go get it...

Shitty Skate Rap Videos

2009-06-04T22:48:00.004-04:00

Even if you're not a skateboarder, you can appreciate the shittiness of the following videos. Incase you're not familiar with the embarrassment that is "skate rap" videos, let me break it down for you...

The first pro skateboarder turned rapper was Chris Gentry. He was (and I say "was" because other skaters have bumped him off) the laughingstock of the industry in the late 90's with his lame, candy-ass rap songs that made you want to climb into a deep, deep hole and never come out.

Unfortunately, Gentry doesn't make me cringe as much as some more current skateboarders have recently. First there was Terry Kennedy. He used to be a cool shit until he somehow got involved with MTV, dated Run's daughter, and now Terry Kennedy (a mediocre pro at best) is a rapper. When I first saw this video, I couldn't believe it was serious. He's rapping about shoes!

I thought this problem of skaters turned rappers couldn't get any worse. Boy was I wrong about that. Enter Jereme Rogers. Jereme, a pro from Boston, used to be a cool dude. I've met the guy, and he's always been a little weird, but he took the embarassment of skate rap to a whole new level with this dreadful display...

Go Go Go

Does anyone else find these songs unbearable?

Membership for Mating

2009-06-04T15:13:00.009-04:00

As a goof I went to a dating website and joined. It was a free trial ( I wasn't going to invest anything more than my time for my curiosity) for a 10 day assessment. They guaranteed a match based on my personality and basic info. Mind you, I have no problem in the "dating area" let alone the fact that I'm happily in a relationship and going to get married soon. I just wanted to see what freak I got matched with. The short Bio below is what I posted in the "about me" section and "who im looking for". After posting it, about 2 days later I noticed that I could not log onto the site anymore and had received an email from the site's administration informing me that my profile has been deleted and that I was prohibited from using their services, due to my "crudeness, ignorance and bigotry".

Who im looking for:
An outgoing female that is turned on by hate crimes, enjoys sex in cars and one who is not afraid to participate in oral sex in front of their parents.

About me:
I'm a 27 year old male, in good shape and outgoing. I'm cooler than most and funnier then the rest. I enjoy drinking, insulting fat people and picking up women in bars only to have them clean my apartment. I like dining out, throwing things at immigrants and going to outreach programs for rape victims wearing a "just say no" t-shirt and pass out my phone number.

However, before being expelled from the site I did get 5 matches from interested women(obviously victims of sexual abuse and major codependent issues) but 'Interested' none the less...haha Take THAT E-harmony!

Let's Get One Thing Straight...

2009-06-04T01:11:00.003-04:00

Requiem For A Teen

2009-06-03T03:42:00.001-04:00

It's waaaaaaaaaaaay too late for me to be doing anything, never mind blogging, but I'm upset. It was announced today by the goddess herself that Exene Cervenka has multiple-sclerosis. I am devastated. It might not seem like a big deal to somebody who has maintained a life outside of punk-rock, but this is an incredible moment. Exene was not only the first female punk singer, she remains the archetype for any and every girl with the balls to front a band. It should also be pointed out that she is the ex-wife of one of our greatest living actors, Viggo Mortenson. They have a child together, Henry, who is now 21.

Cervenka and the legendary John Doe were planning an X reunion for the Sweet Relief Musicians Fund. Please give what you can, as I will. Any distasteful jokes/references will be met with boot-to-balls. No exceptions.

Project Natal-Xbox 360 Motion Sensing System

2009-06-01T19:12:00.005-04:00

I used to remember when xbox first came out it was a huge concrete block, (not literally). The first Xbox was so heavy it had a warning about dropping it on someone can cause injuries. But no one gave a crap about its weight or how it looked, it had the sickest graphics anyone had ever seen in a system. It destroyed the PS2 in graphics and every other gaming system that was out at the time. Then Xbox had to do it again with the 360, out-beasting the Wii and the PS3 with graphics, and also with online gaming and all the extra shit it has. The Piece of Shit 3 stood no chance again, and well the Wii was still in the competition with its motion sensing system and not forget the cheap price too. However Microsoft was not going to stop, they kept BEASTING it, coming out with avatars last fall which allowed gamers to create their own characters and use them within arcade games. Now its 2009 and the E3 (Electronic Entertaiment Expo) show in CA was up and running today. So Xbox had to keep BEASTING it with their own Motion Sensing System that unlike the Wii is Control-less. YES NO FUCKING CONTROLS. so this is where i stop and just let you watch the future of gaming unravel before your eyes. XBOX is out to take over the gaming world. CANT WAIT!!!! Check out the link below for Xbox.com to watch the official video

And Another Thing...

2009-05-31T22:02:00.006-04:00

In the sad, painful years since Dave Chappelle took his comedic genius away from us loving fans, we have been trying to cope with the withdrawals as best we can, but without the methadone of re-runs I've seen many people almost relapse with one hand on a tourniquet and the other on a Dane Cook CD. It's fucking sad, really.

Finally, we can stop misquoting lines from Tyrone Biggums, we can stop crying ourselves to sleep after looking to Comedy Central for help; Chappelle Show reruns are on TV!

Oddly enough, its those trendy reality whores at MTV who are showing them, but like any true addict we Chappelle fans don't care who's dick we have to suck to get our fix.

The C Video

2009-05-31T21:44:00.003-04:00

This is a skate video I filmed with my friends. It's from 2006 and took a couple years to film. This is a pretty big chunk of my life on film, and I thought I'd share it with MZ. Featured in the video is Drew Lowey, Matt Martin, Luke Senerchia, Mike Martin, John Martin, Frankie Nash, Drew Wallace, Aaron Lowey and Andy Sermos.

The C Video from mattmartin730 on Vimeo.

Ain't This Some Shit

2009-05-31T20:30:00.006-04:00

Here are some of the tough issues I've been struggling with lately...

1. A great reason to expatriate and never tell anyone that you're from America:

2. I haven't seen Sudden Death in forever, but I think I want this to be the way I'll always remember JCVD:

3. I like to have sex in semi-public settings, as I'm sure we all do, but some people's inner freak should be kept in check:

high school reunions

2009-05-31T13:36:00.000-04:00

at your high school reunion be sure NOT to do any of the following:

start the night at the open bar with tequila, vodka cran, and jagerbombs, get a round of shots-for the whole graduating class, functionally blackout 20 minutes into the event, throw napkins, unbutton your shirt (for the whole night), attempt to have rational conversation, fistpump the roof off without any music, sexually harass every girl you see-whether or not you spoke to them in high school, hitchhike a ride from DMX's twin brother to the afterparty in a 2002 pontiac vibe at 2am, harass everyone entering the afterparty, get kicked out of the afterparty before you get in, brawl with the bouncers at the afterparty, let your friend go back to the door and talk shit to a 250lb man who felt it necessary to deliver an ocular cavity-breaking haymaker to said shit-talker (we love you cinnamon), lose your ride home, take a taxi home, not pay attention to where the 'caxi tab' driver is going, end up half way to New Hampshire, take off running from the cab and its $200 fee, or assume that the multiple calls and messages you left on the bar's voicemail- indicating you were a lawyer who will be investigating 'incident outside your establishment"-will not come back to haunt you.

at least i made my point to the class of 2003. matthew simonetti was here.

Things I Hate

2009-05-30T11:26:00.005-04:00

In no particular order:

1. Country music
I only like the songs that everyone sings together in drunk bonding moments. Otherwise, it’s pretty much all the same twangy rip-roaring bullshit about pickup trucks and trashy girls and many other classic you-might-be-a-redneck-if-

you-recognize-this references. I like a little more variety. And brain power.
Sidenote: Keith Urban? Australian. Taylor Swift? From Pennsylvania. WTF?

2. Sarah Jessica Parker/Sex and the City
How did one of the ugliest mugs in the business become New York’s (and every Sex and the City fan’s) ultimate fashion icon? No, but seriously, face aside, who above the age of seven wears a god damned tutu out of the house for anything aside from a dance recital? This show is just absolutely absurd. I don’t care about any of these women or their lives, except for maybe Samantha because I find her hilarious. This show is put on the air to make me and my peers jealous of people who aren’t even better than me but are living the dream. Fuck you Sarah Jessica Parker. I agree with Peter Griffin: “She looks like a foot.” (Note: I did love her in Hocus Pocus.)

3. Grey’s Anatomy
Meredith Grey is a whiney, lispy, self-destructive bitch that should do us all a favor and slit her wrists. And the Asian chick looks like she got hit in the face with a frying pan. Patrick Dempsey is the only reason I ever have, or ever will, allow myself to be forcibly handcuffed to a chair to watch Grey’s Anatomy.

4. Hipsters (“hippies” of the new era)
Look, you’re not better than everyone else just because you think it’s wrong to eat anything with eggs in it. Therefore, no one wants to hear you bitch and moan about politics (even when your pick got the vote, you pinko-commie bastards), your musings on Nietzsche and the progress you’ve made on the painting of him you’re doing with organic baby food, or your opinion on just about…everything. (Especially the politics thing. And the war. Please shut up, you know nothing about what’s going on over there.) You are glorified emos. Look! The hair, the nerdy glasses, the tight jeans…this has all become cool somehow? We used to make fun of kids for all of that nigh on three years ago (see: The Emo Song).
Also, quit it with the Che Guevara shirts. We don’t need to see a human billboard to know that you’re a Communist.

5. Che Guevara t-shirts
I hate them so much they get to be on the list twice. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone but waspy, over-privileged white kids wearing the face of one of the world’s most vicious dictators proudly on their chest as a shot to “the man.” Dude. The man never got you down. Do you even KNOW who Che was, or is it enough that you’re making some sort of “bold statement?” Please look up how many people he killed. Where are your tree-hugging, peace-mongering, peace-sign chucking, wishy-washy naïve ideals now, maan?

6. Mixed drinks
They don’t make sense. They typically don’t taste good, so there’s the first problem. And if you’re skipping taste to go straight for results, well they just don’t come along quickly enough unless you’re pounding Long Island Iced Teas. So why not just cut the shit and rip shots? Frankly, I’d rather have a beer.

7. Lady Gaga
Is she really a huge whore, or does she just like to dress like one? And sing about “taking a ride on your disco-stick” after she’s turned her shirt inside out and probably lost it in a game of poker. Sure, plenty of us have had sloppy nights, but just dancing never makes it okay.

8. Ugg boots and skirts
Stupid.

9. Angelina Jolie
She is not great because she has enough money to adopt one child from every starving country on the planet. She’s a dirty home wrecker, not to mention a psycho bitch. Does anyone remember Billy Bob’s blood in a vial around her neck?? The make out session with her brother??? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS. Angelina Jolie is not a good person because she can help people. She just has enough money to do so and a good enough publicist to tell her to. Here’s my advice to her: try and remember that you have a biological child. With one of the hottest men ever. Maybe you should get your head out of Africa’s (and the movie industry’s) ass(es) and hang out with your family.

And, honestly. Did any of you see Wanted? A loom that tells assassins what to do. Are you kidding me.

"There's nothing more for us to say/I fucking hate you anyway" -Slayer, "Exile"

District 9

2009-05-29T21:01:00.008-04:00

For the first time in a long time, I actually payed to see a movie in the theater instead of downloading it. In the 20 minutes of commercials and 10 new Disney/Pixar movie trailers, one trailer stood out from the rest, District 9. It started off with documentary style interviews of people talking about what you think is a new minority migrating into a part of the world for which they clearly do not belong. Like celebrities visiting 3rd world countries collecting babies for their own personal collection. The trailer then reveals that these new squatters are not human, but of alien origin. The last bit shows one of the extra terrestrials being interrogated by what seems to be the military. This is a new take on the alien invasion theme used by so many other movies. It actually shows the aliens as having emotion and a sense of humanity. The clip gave an insight on what it would realistically be like if aliens landed on an unwelcoming Earth. Forced into slavery while their technology is reverse-engineered for our personal use. All the while being imprisoned in impoverished and disgusting conditions resembling those of Slumdog Millionaire. Since they are not human, you can assume they would have no human rights as well. There are undertones of poverty and racial issues throughout the trailer, but I'm not smart enough to try and explain them any further.

Fastest Prick in the West

2009-05-29T19:48:00.006-04:00

This dude is ridiculous. His name is Bob Munden, and he's an arrogant douche. Granted the guy is amazing with a six-shooter, he doesn't have the right to have an ego almost on par with Kanye West. But for all the shit I talk about the guy, I am very impressed with his speed. It takes a lot of practice and dedication to be that fast. If Massachusettes didn't have such mega strict gun laws, I would be inspired to go outside and practice my quick-draw until I blew off a finger, or until all the birds that live in the tree above my car were dead. He goes on to say that he holds all 18 world records in the sport of fast-draw. But some research led to the conclusion that he does not. Nor is there any source willing to verify any records of any kind. Not even the South Western Combat Pistol League can provide any factual history of competitions and record breaking shooting. The SWCPL seems to be the foremost authority on shooting balloons, which is what all their competitions are composed of. Too bad this guy wasn't born 200 years ago when real gun-slingers ruled the West. I'm sure he would have been legendary, but probably still a prick.

The Bro-Rape Guys Hit the Big Leagues

2009-05-29T15:52:00.003-04:00

Out of all the low budget sketch comedy groups you find on YouTube, the Derrick Comedy team were always one of the best; although maybe they could have picked a better name...

If you don't remember them, let me remind you: there was their magnum opus Bro-Rape, then there was this one, oh yeah and this one too. They have plenty more, but those three will be enough for now.

According to Paste Magazine, their feature length movie, Mystery Team , just got picked up by Roadside Attractions and we'll all be seeing it on the big screen. The movie looks pretty promising. Also, I just found out that their most enthusiastic bro-rapist, Donald Glover, has been writing for 30 Rock and actually performed on the show. I have to say I'm really happy to see a bunch of funny dudes who started with YouTube and College Humor videos to be breaking into the industry. It's a beacon of hope to the rest of us who watch contemporary comedy and say: " I could do better". Maybe someday I'll get off my ass and start out the way they did, but for now I'll just watch Bro-Rape for the 100th time:

I wrote this yesterday, but didn't get the chance to post it. The moral of this story is that I hate unfit fuckface parents. Wear condoms.

2009-05-29T01:29:00.001-04:00

This morning, as I tumbled out of bed and stumbled out of bedroom, I was greeted with a dozen talking heads lamenting the disappearance of a small child. Her name was Julia Rakoczy and she was 9 years old. Julia and her mother, Bonnie Sweeten, were rear-ended by two black men (of course) in mid-morning traffic and placed in the trunk of a Cadillac, according to a 911 call made by Ms. Sweeten.
Never mind the fact that anybody who spent more than 4 minutes plotting a kidnapping would think to confiscate the hostage’s cell-phone. I would imagine that’s the first thing you do. Never mind the fact that a fender-bender, like the one Ms. Sweeten described, would leave behind a mess of glass, metal and skid-marks that were nowhere to be found. Never mind the fact that a traffic accident occurring at an intersection in a wealthy Philadelphia suburb would be recorded on a number of security cameras.
Never mind the facts..... that’s what Bonnie Sweeten did. The dumb bitch created an incident that would legally require her daughter’s face to be plastered on every television screen in the country. With such publicity surrounding them, you’d think she would go underground. Maybe she would rent an RV under a fake name and hide out in Topeka or lay low in a roadside motel outside Biloxi. Wherever her next move took her, it would have to be to a place where they could be inconspicuous. Not a place full of police, people and cameras..... like Disney World. Definitely not Disney World.
But that’s where Bonnie Sweeten chose to disembark and, for that, I’m grateful. Now, a child is a little safer and a first-class jackass is staring prison in the face. I don’t care that she sent police on a wild-goose chase, not that police in the greater-Philadelphia area have nothing to do. I don’t care that she violated the sanctity of Disney World. Shit, that place is Club Med for pedophiles. Club Ped, if you will......
I do care, however, when a child’s welfare is put at risk by a fool’s logic. That bitch needs go away for awhile. A child should not have to go through life without her mother but something tells me she’s better off, in this case.

How Did Cops Subdue Unarmed People Before They Had Tasers?

2009-05-28T20:00:00.005-04:00

Here are five of my personal favorite police abuse stories involving tasers. Of course, YouTube videos like this almost go on forever and I'm sure there'll be plenty of new ones in the future. These five are a mix of some interesting ones I'd never seen and some all around classics that are always good for a revisiting. Maybe one day I'll even get my 15 minutes of taser fame! You know me, I'm a dreamer.

A Band We Can All Agree On...

2009-05-27T22:37:00.015-04:00

I've been called a lot of things in my day...but one of the funniest is definitely "music nazi". Is it really my problem that I get up in people's faces when I catch them listening to the radio or to the same "party mix" from 4 years ago? That old classic "Party Like a Rockstar" or "I'm In Love With A Stripper" should have been put to bed a long time ago - a bed of fucking nails. I know that the real music-heads, even the ones that love mainstream club tracks, moved on when the time was right, but it seems like too many people only eat what they're fed; whatever MTV and the radio force down their welcoming gully holes. Me, on the other hand, I find that the meat tastes much better when I hunt it down and kill it with my own bare hands, which, of course, is a metaphor for google searching and downloading music torrents.

The point of all this ranting is that there is one band that me and almost all my friends can agree on. That's because this band satisfies all the needs of every middle-class, suburbanite stoner. They were there with us back in the day when bands like Deftones and Soulfly were the heaviest shit we could ever imagine, and this band was heavy back then too. But, when we all grew up and our musical tastes changed - some got heavier, some got lighter, some got weird - Dredg remained right there by our sides. As we all grew out of our Limp Bizkit phases and maybe stopped wearing those E-Town Concrete T-shirts, Dredg was right there to say: "Yea, we're bored with that shit too."

What's great about Dredg is that they're all skill and no gimmick: just a bunch of normal guys who have committed themselves to making the kind of music they like. Which is a culmination of the entire alternative rock evolution that I have witnessed along with them. They incorporate that great tremolo guitar sound heard from instrumental (post-)rock gods like Explosions In The Sky, Mono, and, of course, the local champs: IREPRESS. I think it was either Explo or Irepress that I heard it from first, but no matter how much new bands are over using it, I still fall for it every time. They traded their screaming/singing vocal style for straight singing around the same time their fans were reconsidering their stance on that very issue. Musically, I feel like I grew up with Dredg; they were right by my side during that awkward time in every boy's life when he realizes he'll never make new friends driving around bumping rap-rock.

They started out as some kind of heavier, yet more mature incarnation of Incubus(S.C.I.E.N.C.E.-era) way back in the day with their Orph EP, which my friends and I have only recently stumbled upon. I advise any other Dredg fans to look into it as well.

Then they got a little more experience and dropped Lietmotif, which was still heavy but it had obviously been given a lot of thought. This was about the time I think they committed to making nothing but epic albums, meant to be listened to front to back with lyrics that are deep yet accessible for anyone. They certainly aren't trying to impress anybody with intellectualism, they are some of the most modest musicians I've ever seen.

El Cielo is where they found their balance; that is a well thought out juxtaposition of heavy and melodic sections all buffed to a glossy shine by the singer's epic vocal style. But I must admit the sudden drop in heaviness scared me a little.

Catch Without Arms impressed all the Dredg fans I knew when it came out, and it proved that they were going to stay with the formula they found in El Cielo. I was worried about the old boys; bands usually seem to get more and more mellow and then next thing you know you're dad wants a copy of the CD and they're getting air time on the easy listening channels. Nope, not Dredg; still too rugged for old people and still keeping it real.

Now they're dropping a new album on June 9th and I know everybody around here is excited about it. If you've been to some of the recent shows in Boston, then you saw some of their new songs and it looks like its going to be a great album. One thing did worry me though, at the Middle East, I noticed most of the kids at their show didn't know who they were. Instead they were there to see this band Torche, who I didn't know; but when I heard them I was pleasantly surprised, and I've since procured two of their albums. I want to make sure people who don't know about Dredg find out quick; they could very well satisfy a really large void in the music world. They can appease almost any musical taste; I hate to say it but they're almost mainstream status. Who cares though. They're about as far as a band can get from selling out, I'm confident that every song they put out is because they genuinely like it, not because it will sell. Seeing Dredg get the recognition they truly deserve is like watching the big brother I never had graduate from college, I'm happy for them and I hope they'll let me come party with them in the big leagues. So go out and buy the new record when it comes out...for now here's some live footage of my favorite new song: "Irelund".

Sidenote: Going through YouTube to find all those videos of bands has made me really miss the mid 90's and that whole phase of music. And goddammit I still love the Deftones.

Even video games hate America

2009-05-27T18:45:00.008-04:00

Some anti-American Scottish hippies are making a video game called Rendition: Guantanamo Bay. Normally one would think this to be a Tetris-type game where instead of trying to fit blocks, L pieces, and the ever elusive straight piece, you stack up naked prisoners like a pyramid, just like in the real Guantanamo. Needless to say, I was sorely disappointed when I saw the game was from the prisoner's POV.

As you can tell from the trailer, the graphics look like they are from a high school 3D animation class, and the music makes this guy an automatic hero, even if it does copy, almost exactly, the theme from Requiem for a Dream. The story goes like this: the main character is arrested for being an alleged Al-Qaeda member and 3 years later he gets a mysterious message telling him that he has a son. So what's the logical thing to do? Have Big Bob pack you a cockmeat sandwich for the road and bust out of course! It's that easy. If I was him, I would have asked for a DNA test from Maury Povich before I went through the trouble of breaking out of Gitmo, but then again I'm a worrier.

Extreme Bullet Time

2009-05-27T16:22:00.005-04:00

Screw Neo dodging a couple bullets on a rooftop in The Matrix. This is just ridiculous. Ridiculously awesome. It's crazy how we went from silent black and white movies to what we have here. This is called 'Carousel' and I guess it's trying to showcase a new super-widescreen film or something. I can't even begin to try and explain what type of cinematography was used to make this. But I do know that this was the coolest 2 minutes of my life... is that sad?

Hated: GG Allin & The Murder Junkies

2009-05-27T13:26:00.007-04:00

"GG Allin is an entertainer with a message to a sick society. He makes us look at it for what we really are. The human is just another animal who is able to speak out freely, to express himself clearly. Make no mistake about it, behind what he does is a brain"
- John Wayne Gacy
Death Row
Maynard,IL

GG Allin, to put it lightly, was a sick fuck. He was about as close as a human being could get to Satan himself, and this is clear when John Wayne Gacy was defending him from his cell on death row. He was famous for beating up his fans and band members, taking shits and throwing it at the audience, rolling in broken glass, sticking things up his ass, and thrusting microphones into his clenched mouth and breaking his own teeth, all during performances.

On Demand has the film "Hated: GG Allin and the Murder Junkies" under the music section. The film is a sick look into GG's life of crime and controversy. It is not for the faint of heart, and has a little too much shit and blood to watch at one sitting. Here is the first 10 minutes of the film, hopefully enough to hook you in.

So Lonely.....

2009-05-27T02:04:00.001-04:00

North Korea is testing us.

But that's all they can do..... test. Any person with a clear head knows that North Korea (Seriously?? You're not even all of Korea) cannot and will not fuck with us on the level of war. Obama is taking the best approach (the same he's taken with Iran), that of the high road. If we all decide to start measuring our dicks in terms of nukes, everyone will lose. That's how Reagan was able to end the Cold War. He convinced everybody he was crazy enough to whip it out.

Kim Jong-Il clearly wants to have a dick-measuring contest with Obama, but he's ill-advised. Come on, who do you think is gonna win that one..... the asian or the black guy?

In Less Than Surprising News....

2009-05-27T00:46:00.001-04:00

OJ has asked for an appeal, declaring his trial to be "fundamentally unfair".

I agree with the Simpson defense. It's unfair for a guy who has only killed white people to be tried by an all-white jury.

Last Day Dream by Chris Milk

2009-05-26T15:29:00.003-04:00

I always kind of turned a blind eye to short films, but this video that I stumbled upon got a lot done in about 42 seconds. It was produced for Beijing's 42 Second Dream Film Festival and it really needs no introduction, you'll understand as soon as you watch. Also, there's a great unexpected cameo in this; just watch you'll love it.

Disclaimer: The thumbnail is very misleading, put your boners away....

Last Day Dream [HD] from Chris Milk on Vimeo.

Grounding Oneself

2009-05-25T17:36:00.004-04:00

Its tough being a guy who doesn't appreciate sports in a country where it would be reasonable to assume it comes with the penis. I guess I could dedicate a few hours of my life to studying relevant stats just so I could talk it up with the bros instead of doodling in the corner or writing "important notes" on my own stomach, but I decided a long time ago that trying that hard just to fit in is not my style.

This has become the way I feel about indie/old music and bands. Don't get me wrong, I definitely went through that phase where you start going back to musical eras before you were born just so you can be pretentious and hip, claiming that you don't get how people could not have known about the Pixies or At The Drive-In. Eventually you realize that you have a whole iTunes playlist only there to show other "more-indie-than-thou", Iron-Maiden-Vans-wearing D-Bags. All that effort just so that you can claim you were totally into the Misfits back in the day, when in actuality you're parents were only beginning to consider fucking for procreation. Doesn't seem worth it...That is when you trim it down to only the stuff you genuinely enjoy listening to and you start looking for contemporary shit that gets your musical rocks off.

We independent music fans can get a little uppity sometimes and we just need to be reminded of our humble, unassuming roots; to be grounded. For instance, I used to tell my friends that they were all pussies because they couldn't handle my Jager pounding/Pig Destroyer listening/drunk driving sessions, but now I understand they were scared for their lives/totally confused that someone would choose brutal death metal over Lil' Wayne, a vocoder, and an unused guitar. See! I can't even avoid telling someone else their music choices are stupid for more than 30 seconds.

The point is: be indie, be underground, even be hip if you want; but don't tell anyone else that they have a problem because they don't share your passion for being the first to know. Besides, if everyone started doing it, then what would be left for you? You would just be listening to pop, while underground blogs discussed how unfair it is that nobody "gets" Lady Gaga. We all need to be grounded and here is a great way to remind us that we are all the same:

Not too long ago we were all just little BMX/Skateboarding punks who loitered outside of sub shops and convenience stores. During that time we never could have foreseen comedy getting any better than this:

Powers of Ten

2009-05-25T17:11:00.003-04:00

"A film dealing with the relative size of things in the universe, and the affect of adding another zero. Made by the office of Charles and Ray Eames for IBM."

Sonic Youth- The Eternal

2009-05-24T19:49:00.006-04:00

If something is great enough, it needs no introduction. That's how I feel about Sonic Youth. What I have for you today is a preview of the new Sonic Youth album entitled 'The Eternal'. This is 'Sacred Trickster' and 'Antenna' being performed on Jools Holland. I was happy to hear the complex yet harmonious sounds of the band in these two cuts from the album. Please enjoy a small sample of 'The Eternal', which will be released June 9th.

Don't Sit Next to Dennis

2009-05-24T18:26:00.002-04:00

I've only recently started watching a lot of horror movies, so I'm definitely no expert. But I can honestly say that I already know what the best scene from any horror movie is. I've known for years, and it has nothing to do with amputated dicks, slit achilles tendons, or Meatloaf cutting a jersey shaped slab of his own skin off. It's from the classic Cabin Fever, and its about pancakes.

Tim and Eric are Fucking Ballin' Right Now

2009-05-23T19:10:00.003-04:00

That last post got me looking for news on Tim and Eric's most recent endeavors, and I found out from Paste Magazine's website that they are doing some big fucking things. Click that link for more details, but here are some highlights:

A Tim and Eric movie - which is epic news especially considering the two comedic champions producing it: Will Ferell and Adam McKay
A new Dr. Steve Brule (John C. Reilly) spin-off show called Check It Out!
Four contributions to the up coming Funny Or Die HBO series which include collabs with Zach Galifianakis, Will Forte, Bob Odenkirk, and Frank Black??? (Yup, the dude from the Pixies working with Tim and Eric - INSANE)

Needless to say, I'm fucking psyched to see the duo making such big moves, and I can't wait to see how things pan out. If you're still sleeping on Tim and Eric, "....then I don't want to know you."

3 T-Scroat

2009-05-23T18:17:00.007-04:00

I've finally accepted that most of my friends will never truly appreciate the comedy stylings of my heroes Tim and Eric. Weak-minded individuals can't wait out the weirder skits for the others which are fucking gold. The hit-or-miss nature of their show deters a lot of people from sitting through a whole episode; viewers then opt for more thought provoking fare like MadTV or the ever-slipping SNL. My point is that showing only a clip at a time may be a more effective way to showcase T&E's comedic prowess. So here's one of the best clips from the new season...Oh, and as a brief side note MZ now offers TWO posts tagged with the word EUNUCH, great stuff...

Comics ain't for kids no more

2009-05-23T05:24:00.011-04:00

When you think of comic books most everybody says Batman, X-Men, Superman and the occasional weird anime comics with naked school girls getting raped by demonic tentacles. But nowadays there are some pretty good ones out there that have gotten me back into comics. Comics are considered lame and nerdy and hinder my ability to get laid I know... but hear me out.

When I was a kid I had a limited knowledge of comics and stuck to the basics of the aforementioned X-Men, and Spider-Man volumes with some DC characters like Batman and Superman thrown randomly into my collection, which was not too shabby for a 10 year old. But alas, I grew out of the adventures of Wolverine, Cyclops, Nightcrawler (most badass btw) Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, and Peter Parker like all maturing boys should do. Actually I just became more involved with partying and drugs and alcohol, so my money went into that. But I digress...

Fast forward to last year, while at a party chatting with a friend I haven't seen in a long time, the drunken conversation somehow got to the topic of Zombies. I was then informed that a comic had been out for a while called The Walking Dead, which I will get to in a minute. So I went to the all-powerful internet to further my knowledge of The Walking Dead. What I found was an amazingly well-written storyline that in my opinion had some very memorable and fucked up moments. (And yes, that spoon was used to gouge out his eye). Luckily the series had been going for a while so I was able to download a butt-load of issues from some torrent sites. Instantly, I was hooked. The story begins as our "hero" Police Officer Rick Grimes, wakes up from the hospital after being shot in the line of duty. He has no idea what happened or where he is, and worst of all the Zombie Apocalypse has already begun. He barely escapes the hospital and comes the the horror that his wife and son Carl are missing and possibly flesh eating zombies. So he does what any family-man on a mission in a zombie infested town does... grabs a shitload of guns and ammo and sets out to find his family. I won't spoil the details but they are happily reunited for a time. They meet up with some other survivors who are just trying to make it in this crazy cannibal world the planet has now become. For a time they seem to be doing an OK job surviving and keeping sane. At least some of their party keep their sanity for the most part. They stumble upon a prison and for a while life is good. They are reasonably protected by the prison walls and have several facilities at their disposal. At least as good as it can be with the constant threat of getting your brains eaten by a rotting, walking corpse. Some messed up stuff happens at the prison but again, I won't spoil the details. After a while they become restless and set out to find more survivors to maybe try and rebuild civilization. But what they find is anything but civil. They encounter another group that have barricaded a whole town and are relatively safe for the time being. Safe from zombies at least. The town is run by a guy who calls himself The Governor. A sadistic man who used fear and murder to somehow rise to power. This monster was doing several fucked-up things that I have never expected to read in a comic book. For instance he had a bunch of severed zombie heads in fish tanks in his room and pretended they were tv's. He would keep his zombified daughter chained up in his room and feed her body parts, which might be understandable for a parent to not want their child to die, but it was not paternal love that kept her around. There were weird child molestation undertones which were later confirmed when he pulled out her teeth so he could make out with her without being bitten. Among those crazy things you could add torture, rape, and cutting off Rick's hand to The Governor's repertoire. He also would hold gladiatorial games for his own entertainment that would pit a human against a horde of the undead. 99% of the time the undead would win. Don't worry though... he got his in the end. This storyline has been the main arc of the series so far. The comic itself is black and white except for the covers, which are in full color. The art is amazing and shows detail and emotion worthy of any gallery. And usually at the end of every issue is a portrait of a random zombie covered in blood and gore. I highly suggest you give this comic a chance. There are several books out that have numerous issues jammed into a sort of encyclopedia of the series. There are currently 61 issues out, and I bet almost all of them are online for download, if you know where to look. Easily a 10/10. I will most definitely be getting all the issues from now on until the end, and you should too.

Next on the list is Y: The Last Man. Hands down, the best comic series I have ever read. The story is about a 22 year-old amateur escape artist named Yorick Brown. The story follows his misadventures after a mysterious epidemic kills every mammal with a Y chromosome in the entire world, except for Yorick and his Capuchin monkey, Ampersand. For those that were wondering the ampersand is that thing above the 7 on the keyboard. Yorick and Ampersand, along with Agent 355, an ass-kicking government agent from a super secret branch of the government called the Culper Ring go with Dr. Allison Mann, a brilliant geneticist. The four venture out to find Yorick's girlfriend Beth, who was in Australia at the time, who Yorick was about to propose to minutes before the epidemic wiped out half of humanity. Agent 355 and Dr. Mann are also trying to escort Yorick safely to Dr. Mann's main laboratory halfway across the world so they can try to save humanity. Several obstacles get in the way of their goals including crazy bitches trying to kidnap and/or kill Yorick and Ampersand. One group that stood out was the Daughters of the Amazon. These brainwashing dykes have totally lost it and see the epidemic as God's will. Their initiation is very severe. Every Amazonian had to cut off one of their titties to be accepted into the group. Which Yorick's sister, whose name was Hero, was recruited into. Yorick's trials and tribulations stretched over a couple years. Some filled with happiness, but most filled with sadness and death. It was a little while before he was finally exposed for being the last male alive. And things only got worse from there. I give this comic an 11/10 because of so much written in these pages. The writing is awesome and I found myself laughing out loud at some of the situations and wise-ass remarks made by Yorick. Some of the best art I have seen lies within these pages. Not whatever this new modern art bullshit which looks like someone drank a bunch of paint and diarrhea-ed all over a canvas, I'm talking about real art. The covers of almost all the issues try to incorporate the letter Y in them, and are some of the coolest scenes I have ever seen. I know I am jumping on the comic community bandwagon saying that this comic is badass, but I am doing so because it really is that good. I command you to find it and read it right now.

Last but not least, Preacher. This is the most fucked-up comic I have ever read. I can think of at least 4 guys who had their dicks cut off, bit off, ripped off, and chemically burned off. The story follows down and out hard drinkin' Reverend Jesse Custer. Who one day while in service at church, suddenly gets possessed by Genesis, the spawn of a demon and angel doing the no pants dance. As soon as Genesis is born, God high tails it out of the kingdom of heaven. Genesis is said to have the same power level as God and the Lord is scared shitless by this. After everyone in the church but Jesse is vaporized, the good reverend goes out on a quest to find God and ask him how he could abandon so many people who blindly believe in him, and try to make him go back to Heaven. He is armed with what is called "The Word". Which means his eyes turn red, and so does the word bubble text, and whatever he tells you to do, you fuckin' do it. No matter how messed up it is. He told a cop to go fuck himself, so he cut off his own wiener and shoved it up his own ass. He told another guy to stay on the beach until he counted to three million grains of sand. It took him about 8 months and totally messed him up for the rest of his life. He is joined by his estranged girlfriend Tulip O'Hare. She is a super tough gun-toting no-bullshit bitch who had the unfortunate experience of accidentally killing her father while he was dropping a deuce on a hunting trip when she was a teenager. They are also joined by Cassidy, a 200 year old Irish vampire that drinks like a fish and has done every drug imaginable. And at one point he sucked dick for coke much like Bob Saget. Throughout the series it seems like Jesse is personally pissed at God. Which he has a perfect right to be. His totally fucked up childhood raised by a sadistic grandmother, and two of the most fucked up rednecks you will ever see. Jody, a man who is basically impervious to pain who beats Jesse senseless every day, who also killed his parents right in front of him, and TC, a person who has a personal mission in life to bang every animal and inanimate object in the world. This comic has the most unique characters I have ever seen in a story. Such as Ass-Face, a teenager who tried to blow his brains out much like his beloved Kurt Cobain. But instead of killing himself, he only grazed his own face with a .12 gauge shotgun and mangled his features forever. Almost every time someone would see Ass-Face for the first time, they would barf all over the place right in front of him. The main antagonist for most of the series was Herr Starr, a sadistic German high ranking assassin in a secret society called The Grail established to preserve the bloodline of Jesus Christ. The bloodline ended when Herr Starr declared himself the leader of The Grail and dropped the super obese bulimic Allfather on top of the last relative of Jesus who is now retarded from all the years of inbreeding to keep the bloodline pure. Herr Starr definitely got it the worst throughout the comic. His bald head was cut by Jesse to look like a giant wang, he was one of the dudes who lost his manhood, and he also lost a leg and and eye before his demise. Oh, and he was anally raped a couple times too... yikes. Some minor memorable characters include two former servants of God who come to earth to sample all pleasures humanity has to offer since God left heaven. Two "sex detectives" who were hired to find Jesse but just ended up raping everyone they questioned about his whereabouts. And many others. This series was very good. The character development and situations were very well written. I give it a 9/10. It did lose a point because of times in the story where is was going purely for shock value as opposed to quality, but still very awesome.

Yeah... so that's it. Hopefully you were inspired to take a gander at these titles. I guarantee you will not be dissapointed.

Who's Keeping It Real in an Era of Fakery...?

2009-05-22T23:52:00.001-04:00

Apparently, this guy.

Ugh-Mazing

2009-05-22T14:25:00.005-04:00

Only in America, can statutory rape make you famous.

In case you forgot, Mary Kay Letourneau is that 6th grade teacher who did a 7 1/2 year bit for knockin' boots with one of her students. She even got impregnated by her dark skinned Adonis ( I think he's probably Samoan) - TWICE!! Four years ago the couple sealed the deal with some wedding vows, so old crust-e-box could get "Da Dick" on a regular basis, it had to be pretty good if it was worth 7 1/2 years.

Fast forward to the present: A bar out in Seattle is having their third "Hot For Teacher Night" hosted by none other than Miss Letourneau (47) and DJed by her husband and former student, Vili Fualaau (26).

So you heard it here folks, if you're having trouble getting into the events hosting/DJ industry, a little statutory rape could go along way.

I think even David Lee Roth would go flaccid when this news story plays on the TV at whichever spandex store he's currently fondling his junk in....maybe not.

Heres a link if you want more.

Our Boys Need Proper Facilities Out there

2009-05-22T03:23:00.004-04:00

Thank God That Our Soldiers Rape and Pillage Instead of Playing Basketball to Settle Our Differences...

Shit in da club

2009-05-21T20:21:00.002-04:00

I left a shit in the stall of a crowded high-class lounge last night during peak hours, as a line of thirty-something successful men with bad haircuts crowded angrily in the bathroom. It was the most freeing experience of my life.

I think that's where shit-eating grin comes from.

Clitter!

2009-05-21T16:30:00.001-04:00

I signed up for a Twitter account just for the hell of it the other day. As I sat staring at my newest, uninteresting social networking home page, the only thing that came to mind is that Twitter rhymes with Clitter, which was an amazing Funny Or Die video I saw more than a year ago. I promise I'll post something semi-important in the near future, I just have a lot of other shit going on right now: I've just started a new audio-editing/technical writing internship with Digital Life Radio, I'm working on getting a job with Polite In Public, and I just scored a week long volunteer gig at the Woods Hole Film Festival. So for now you'll have to settle for Clitter:

Sullivantroduction

2009-05-20T01:10:00.011-04:00

Hello. My name is Conor Sullivan. I consider myself to be a man with a head on his shoulders. I have enormous shoulders. I’m not Dwight Howard, (shit.......... that guy’s shoulders make him a candidate for a real-life Atlas, should we ever need one) but the good lord made shoulders to support the head and I got a melon that Gallagher couldn’t crack.

Joey recruited me for this shit-show because he wanted me to take Asher Roth down a few pegs. Sorry to say, I can’t do it. I could accuse him of being a spoiled suburbanite shithead with hair like a Troll-doll and little regard for the history, but he already levied those same claims against himself in the opening song on his album. FUCK!!! Why can’t he just let me hate him?? Because, he’s a talented guy and he is, painfully enough, a breath of fresh air.

Rap is saturated with jackasses. 1/1000 of those jackasses are dudes who sold enough coke to afford studio-time and are looking for a more legitimate kind of fame. Why be the guy who’s famous for shooting that cop on West & Pleasant, when you can be famous for being the guy who sang “Swing Your Dookie-Hole”? By the same logic, the other 999 of those jackasses are just neighborhood knuckleheads with big-fish stories. For every rapper that actually profited off drugs, there’s a thousand Tony Montanas who probably would’ve gotten hung from the helicopter.

Take my friend and yours, Rick Ross. Recently outed as a former Miami-Dade County correctional officer, Ross has been selling millions of albums with tales of intercontinental drug-dealing since 2005. In his smash debut single “Hustling,” he claimed to have a personal relationship with Manuel Noriega. Nobody stopped to wonder if it involved him serving Manny 3 meals-a-day on a foam tray. The guy has made some incredible songs, full of even more incredible claims. While he isn’t the best rapper working today, he is a perfect example of today’s typical gangsta rapper.

A day in the life of a gangsta rapper is an action movie in itself. It starts with you waking up next to a curvy latina woman, petting a Siberian white tiger. You don’t remember, because you drank tons of expensive champagne, but you had sex with the exotic beauty last night. You're not sure if you fucked the tiger. It's possible, you love that tiger. As you roll out of bed and put your feet down, you cut the sole of your foot on the stack of bill-folds lying on the floor. Man, you got so much money. You walk to the kitchen and there’s another naked chick, this one’s black, pouring you a bowl of Dom Perignon and Cocoa Puffs. You don’t even want to eat that shit, you just wanted the visual. As you slap the bowl out her hand, the phone rings. It’s your man, Pablo. He informs you in broken english that your 25 kilos will arri... FUCK!

Rappers are full of shit, all of them. When Lil Wayne tells me that he just shot a man in his face, I don’t believe him. When Asher Roth says that he’s double-fisting red cups and making out with nickel-pieces,I believe him......... because he probably is.

2009-05-19T23:19:00.004-04:00

I sketched this from the movie "Point Break" where Keanu Reeves and P Swayze shred unbelievable amounts of gnar.

Oscar Niemeyer

2009-05-17T16:33:00.008-04:00

So what if Oscar Niemeyer is an unapologetic commie Stalin supporter. This 101 year old Brazilian architect designed the entire capital of Brasilia in the 50's. This is a great interview with Niemeyer from the Vice Brazilian Issue. He talks about architecture's relationship with politics, drawing, soccer, and golden penises.

Awkward Sex and Bathroom Stall Poetry

2009-05-15T18:59:00.004-04:00

I thought I was so fucking brilliant...

I'm a huge fan of Post Secret and Found, and I wanted to capitalize on the trend they had started. So I came up with two ideas for coffee table books that I naively thought would make me rich. All I knew about the industry was what I learned from a Seinfeld episode. So I did some research about the pitching process and then I had to make sure my ideas had not been done already.

Well, they had. My delusional pipe-dreams have been dashed for the moment, but I thought I might as well share the work of those who beat me to it.

One idea was a coffee table book about awkward sex stories told, anonymously of course, by random people. So when I googled it I found this. Awkward Sex Stories.

The other was a compilation of the ridiculous stuff that people write on bathroom walls. This was going to be my magnum opus. It could have been done on such a low budget, I really believed I could make it happen, but somebody beat me to this one too. Here is the book version that I found: From the Stall

And here is the website dedicated to the same pursuit: The Writings On the Stall

Ed Templeton no.1

2009-05-15T17:30:00.004-04:00

I found this in skatebook. The current issue has a retrospect on Ed Templeton, one of the most influential skateboarder/artists around. What first struck me about the photo was the creepy smile Ed had on his face while showing his thrashed up leg. That, along with the story by Ryan Clements, pretty much sums up Ed's twisted sense of humor.

Bad Rabbits and Slick Rick Playing Showcase Live Tonight

2009-05-15T17:09:00.008-04:00

I'm not gonna make it, but everybody should do their best to get to Patriot's Place and support the Bad Rabbits. If you're still in the dark about BR, check out the songs on their myspace. I think they're playing their own set around 10 o'clock, then they're playing back up for Slick Rick. I've never been to Showcase Live but I'm sure it's an ill venue just like all the other new shit at Patriot's Place. If you do make it to the show, I guarantee you won't be disappointed...They're a crowd pleaser.

Cheerleader!

2009-05-15T15:59:00.002-04:00

I saw this picture and had to show it. I really don't know what to make of it.

Cinema-Grind??? Whatever You Call It Graf Orlock Will Fuck Your Shit Right Up

2009-05-15T15:38:00.007-04:00

What could be better than a liberal mixing of Grind/Thrash brutality and cliche action movie quotes?

I can't think of anything.

As soon as I heard Patrick Swayze's monologue from "Point Break" opening up a song, I was intrigued. When the music dropped out abruptly and Swayze's voice came back to say: "They only live to get radical", I was fucking hooked. Here's a clip of that song live:

Graf Orlock, taking their name from the film classic: Nosferatu, is exactly the kind of light-hearted, movie-themed grindcore I need in my life right now. They quickly became one of my favorite bands when I discovered them through Pandora.com. With lyrics ripped right from all your favorite movie's like "Con Air", "Demolition Man", and plenty from the "Terminator" franchise, GO will never let you down. Apparently they're a bunch of film school dropouts who started a band as a big "fuck you" to their elitist peers who shunned their love for 90's blockbusters. The audio in that clip is pretty bad so check out their website for more of their music.

Lance Mountain's Dream

2009-05-15T00:57:00.005-04:00

Lance Mountain is a genius. He's been one of my favorite people since i was in middle school. This is his interpretation of a dream, then turning into a nightmare. It represents for me the two sides of skateboarding, the free flowing nature of it being interrupted by the harsh reality of falling down.

This kid RAWKS!

2009-05-14T23:56:00.002-04:00

Can you guess which one is the black sheep of the family?

Seasick, Yet Still Docked

2009-05-14T23:36:00.004-04:00

A tear jerker for all you lonely hearts out there. I think everyone feels this way at one point or another. Morrissey hits the nail on the head with this one. He's my all time favorite artist and although I'm tempted to spam MZ with Moz, I'll just share this one for now. (Watch in HQ)

Scary Spelunking

2009-05-14T23:31:00.003-04:00

Some dude who went on an expedition to an unexplored cave came back with this pretty scary story. Make sure you read it in the dark alone. Pretty creepy if you ask me...

Scary Spelunking

Top Ten Maury Povich "Outta-Control Teen" Clips

2009-05-14T23:00:00.003-04:00

I really didn't want to start posting this kind of shit, but it's too amazing. Liquid Generation has done us all a favor by compiling the ten most impressive specimens from daytime television's biggest whore. Maury has made a permanent niche for himself by showcasing America's most abundant source of entertainment: other people's fucked up lives. His formula is absolutely flawless, but seeing all these clips back to back made me start to wonder whether this crap might be scripted. These girls are way too amped about crack cocaine and illegitimate children. Each girl's intensely shot introductory monologue is so similar in content to the next. A few even say they are "gang related". What gang member calls them self "gang related"? I can just imagine Maury and his producers sipping coffee from hollowed out baby skulls and compiling lists of each guests negative attributes/points of pride. I'm sure they don't actually embellish the truth; they just make sure that each girl doesn't forget crucial lines like: "I'm gonna dress my baby in all brand names, and if I can't support it I'ma sell it!".

Enjoy:

Crimewave-Crystal Castles vs. HEALTH

2009-05-14T21:27:00.005-04:00

Just finished up the last paper of sophomore year. So here's a track to celebrate (or for you to smoke to...it's more of a chillout/trancey thing than a party anthem).

The beginning reminds me of a glitched version of the intro solo to "Am I Evil." Hmmm...

And with that, I'm off to do tequila shots and make some bad decisions.

"Once the world stops spinning, read that writing on the wall" -Coheed & Cambria, "Feathers"

(^ ^ ^ check out the Glitch Mob Remix. It's SIIIICK!^ ^ ^)

Watch Out For That First Post...

2009-05-14T17:20:00.004-04:00

it's a doozy.

"20 years ago, people said America would have a black president 'the day pigs fly.'

100 days into Obama's presidency...

...swine flu."

ha HA!

I go to the most liberal college around (aside from Hampshire). I'm a conservative. Naturally, it's frustrating. So of course I've been all over this joke since I heard it. Well, I didn't vote for him, but he's our prez now, so I guess I have to be supportive of him.

And everyone in the country who can't get a job, apparently.

Anyway, go America.

"If you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium. Go America." -Stan Marsh, South Park

Street Jizz

2009-05-14T14:30:00.003-04:00

If your sexual identity is still so fragile that watching a gay music video might have irreparable consequences, then just stop here. For everyone else, this is probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long, long time. I can't bare to watch the whole thing, but only 30 seconds in you'll understand. I found this while checking out random videos that were related to the Peaches video for "Fuck the Pain Away" another classic. There are no words to explain "Street Jizz", it's one of those things that I can't believe is real, but here it is...

RIP Bernie Mac

2009-05-14T01:28:00.001-04:00

Got a craving for some Pumpkin Pie. This clip is crucial to your becoming a well rounded, informed citizen.

Kick it!

We're Not Scare-Mongering, This is Really Happening

2009-05-14T00:52:00.004-04:00

This is a webcast of Radiohead's final song of their final performance on the In Rainbows Tour. The live show on In Rainbows was a study of 2 different visual media, solar-powered LED tubes, and numerous webcams which framed non-typical shots of the band throughout the show. This video encapsulates this visual study to the tune of Idioteque. Make sure you watch in HQ. Enjoy.

Amazing Alf Videos

2009-05-13T18:05:00.000-04:00

This weekend I was sitting around my house with some people and the urge to watch random YouTube videos hit me. I just started looking at what was highest rated and stumbled upon these gems. Watch all three, they're really short.

The News Stand

2009-05-13T17:36:00.000-04:00

Here's that newspaper stand we talked about. Matt and I are going to repaint it soon. Anybody who wants to be involved is welcome. Hopefully we'll get this thing looking sharp and back out on the streets, filled with our propaganda, by June. Open to suggestions concerning a safe place to put it. Do you need a permit for this shit? We're clueless...

Aphex Twin Videos

2009-05-13T17:07:00.000-04:00

If Aphex Twin videos don't creep the shit out of you then you must be blind and the braille versions don't do them justice. "Come to Daddy" was always one of my favorites, but then the other day I found this brilliant piece of self-indulgent weirdness. The video for "Windowlicker".

Enjoy:

"Check His I.D.?" By Sean Somers

2009-05-12T19:42:00.000-04:00

Our good friend Sean Somers submitted this true story about our recent trip to Scotland to visit the Mythic Icon that we all know as Rob Morgan...

I was in the middle of my vacation to Scotland with my friends Joey and Pete. The man, the myth, the legend: Rob Morgan had said we were to go to a comedy show at a place called The Stand in downtown Edinburgh. The day had started off typical, waking up having a hangover and a sore back from sleeping on basically a giant wooden pallet with a shitty futon mattress on top of it. Coffee, shave, shower. Out the door of the flat I went with Pete, Joey, and Rob to get a taxi. Our destination was a posh restaurant downtown. It was the kind of restaurant that has a pianist in the corner, and a very expensive wine menu. Eat, drink, pay the big bill, off to the comedy club we went.

Getting to the show early, the place was half empty with four seats and two tables right in front of the stage just calling for us to be heckled by the comedians. The show begins with the host seeing us just a few feet in front of him as fresh meat. Four Americans, trashed in the front row is a free lunch for these fuckers. The show went on with a few jokes tossed at us, and the drinking continued.

Then it was intermission. The club had some contest where you could win two free tickets to another show. All it required was to fill out a piece of paper that was already on the table. Everyone fills them out and passes them in to the host. I saw that Pete and Joey had a good buzz going along with myself, but I looked down at the table where I was sitting with Rob and there were six or seven empty shot glasses that I had nothing to do with. I look over to my left to see how Rob’s doing. He’s not there. So I look over my right shoulder and Rob is walking back towards us with more shots and a giant grin on his face.

“Let’s do some shots”, he said.

Those four words explained it all. Intermission ends with the host coming back on the stage to announce the winner of the contest. Drawing and announcing the name Garrett so and so. Someone yells “That’s me!”. As Garrett proceeds towards the stage, Rob yells “that’s not him”. The host not paying any attention to the comment, hands him the prize. The crowd eases down the applause for the winner, then silence.

Rob yells out “That’s not his name”. The host then looks at Rob and says “who the fuck would want to be named Garrett anyways”. Rob then yells “check his I.D.”. At this point I’m thinking Rob is fucking hammered and it’s only ten o’clock. The next act is introduced and all eyes are on us. This next comedian had a field day with us. He even used Pete to beat box for him so he could rap on stage(if you know Pete, this is fucking amazing). The show ended around eleven. We leave feeling good and Rob feeling even better than all of us.

Walking to the next drinking destination, Rob had started to wrestle with Pete. Pete easily threw him to the ground. He was out of control. So we continued walking to a place called The Cuckoos Nest, where we were to meet some of Rob’s other friends. As we walk through the door, Rob hands me ten pounds to order him the nastiest fucking shot the bar had. I approach the bartender and ask him, “what’s the nastiest tasting shot you have here?”. The bartender replies, “Absinth”.

The bartender and I exchange the drink with money and I walk over to the table. I hand the drink to Rob. He drinks it immediately without any hesitation. Rob screams to me, “get me another one”. The bartender overhears Rob’s voice and personally brings the next drink over to our table. He places the drink down. Rob says “who has a lighter”. As the bartender reaches for a lighter in his pocket, I said to myself “this is a bad idea”. Rob then lights the drink. With everyone watching, he picks the glass up and goes to drink it. As the flames consumed his face, panic sobered Rob quickly. Joey pours his beer out on the burning table after blowing on it fails miserably. Meanwhile, Rob was trying to put the flames out that were on his face with his hands, pretty much just flailing around behind a crowded table. Someone else assisted Rob in putting the fire out on his face. The whole place smelled like burnt hair, and the screams suddenly turned into laughter. The bartender hands me a towel with ice inside out of it to hand to Rob. When I saw that Rob was ok with only a few red marks and a red line that looked like half of the jokers smile in the last Batman installment, I thought to myself that was the funniest fuckin’ thing I have ever seen.

******

The only thing I want to add is that Rob's burns were pretty fucking bad, it looked like he had a brutal case of herpes all over his face for at least a week afterward. He had to wear a dishtowel over his face for the next few days. -JO

A Photo From Our Friend Lily

2009-05-12T19:14:00.000-04:00

Lillian Schrank is a photographer from Weston, MA. This photo is just for a laugh but her professional work can be found on her website.

******

I found this building in Philly taking a walk around a more 'rugged' part of the city. I literally laughed out loud and had to stand for a while to stop my camera from shaking before I took the photo.

Short Fiction from MZ's Joey Bag-O-Donuts

2009-05-12T18:40:00.000-04:00

Forest thought of this idea while he already had a razor blade held to his wrist. If all the suicides in the world had this idea, maybe the world would be a better place. Maybe it would be a place where suicide didn’t even cross one’s mind.

Instead, Forest saw the world as a giant trash can somehow convinced it was responsible enough to empty itself. He disagreed. The world was not fulfilling its duty to skim the filth off the top. This meant, to Forest, that normal, everyday people would have to intervene, but in order to make such drastic changes one had to sacrifice their own life. Something Forest would never have done if he had not just found his pregnant wife enthusiastically fellating his own nephew in the bathroom of a Chuck E Cheese.

He wanted to blame some physical person standing there in front of him but he was too smart. People aren’t naturally wired to act like this. Fifteen year old nephews are not supposed to be attracted to older pregnant women, but when their friends start daring them to watch more and more disgusting online porn videos, things change. Pregnant housewives aren’t supposed to be so open to such scandalous behavior, but when they stay home all day watching reality television they begin to feel that their role in society isn’t enough for them. They then opt for the far more exciting bathroom-floor-dick-sucker role. To say that Forest fully understands this transition would not be totally accurate.

The culture we’re stuck with now would never let anybody exterminate one of its revenue-generating components. Those at the top of the whole mind-fuck were making way too much money to care about individual people. Cultural progress had been pushed into the direction of financial gain and nothing worthwhile was coming out of it. This last ditch effort would be for the good people still wallowing in the filth, like billions of unwanted babies in the rusted, overstuffed dumpster that is modern life. Those who lived on afterward would be better off. Perhaps Forest would save at least one other lost soul from ducking out early like he was about to.

*** *** ***

He was supposed to be a comedian, but he wasn’t really funny. He glorified the absolute worst elements of our culture. His name only got thrown into the hat because one of his commercials appeared on the television as Forest was making the lottery. The black and yellow Bruins hat was filled with nouns. People, places, and things that Forest felt never should have existed in the first place. If he was going to off himself anyway, he might just as well hook everybody else up with a minor victory. If he could just scrub off one ugly piece of graffiti from our walls then he would feel a lot better in his last moments. The catch-22 was that he might see the light at that very moment. Something about fixing society a little might be just the thing he needed to pull him out of this slump. By then he would be waist deep in shit. Once the process was started he couldn’t back out. Even if he didn’t follow through with the second act of his murder-suicide plot, he would be a fugitive. He would never be able to relax again, but Forest would just have to roll the dice on this one.

He bought the ticket. The gun was already loaded, lying under a pile of towels in his closet. Once you didn’t care about making it back alive, putting these types of projects together was easy. He giggled to himself when he realized this would be the last time he’d ever have to parallel park in a crowded Boston street. Then he set the alarm just for the hell of it, walked into the club, and sat in the very front row.

His name was Larry the Cable Guy and even he saw it coming.

Forest got ‘er done...

“LOUDER THAN A BOMB”: It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back in ‘09 by Jen McLaughlin

2009-05-12T17:31:00.000-04:00

More hip hop contemplation from our newest contributor.

*****

Public Enemy serves as evidence as hard as the asphalt of the Long Island streets in ‘86 for the pervasion of hip-hop in today’s culture, as well as the music’s ability to transcend time, race, economic and political standing. And what could serve as a better example than their breakout album It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back? Exhibit A: Public Domain’s “Operation Blade,” an eight-and-a-half minute techno odyssey that hit European dance charts hard in 2000. This song features, and is constructed around, a sample taken from the beginning of Public Enemy’s “Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos,” when Flav introduces the group to the audience and kicks it off to Chuck D with the line, “Bass for your face, London!” This is not, perhaps, the most obvious example of Public Enemy’s influence on music in the new millennium, as their sounds are used as samples for numerous hip-hop songs; however, this instance of Public Enemy’s leaking, or, rather, bursting through the mainstream and flooding into such varied genres of music is probably just what they were going for.

It’s a well-known fact that Public Enemy has a lot to say on the political front. Whether Chuck D is addressing the issue of white oppression, the apparently unnoticed hardships of the streets (perpetuated not only by that white power, but even by the brothers themselves; check “Night of the Living Baseheads”: “Shame on a brother when he dealin’…From a corner from a brother to keep another below”) or even the question of the legality of utilizing samples for tracks, Public Enemy is gonna make sure that their message gets across. To everyone. With its solid drum beats, Chuck D’s unmistakable voice, velvety-smooth yet rough enough to hit your ears and leave ‘em ringing, Flav’s hyping yells, and often strident samples (“Rebel Without A Pause”…’nuff said), Nation of Millions refuses to be ignored. Lyrics and messages aside, this album is LOUD. Public Enemy knew just what they were doing—people are forced to hear them, even if they don’t want to listen.

Apparently, the media didn’t want Public Enemy to rock the populous, as Chuck D points out with, “Radio/Suckers never play me/On the mix, just O.K. me.” Luckily, the boys of PE found a way to reach people regardless by using a crazy variety of samples to bolster their rhymes. This album stands as a true synthesis of great music, brought together to create even more great music. Even if an upper-middle class white kid in 2009 picks up this CD, he’s gonna be able to find something on it to relate to or recognize musically. Maybe this kid won’t understand or know about the politically charged aspects of Public Enemy’s music, but Nation of Millions is socially conscious enough to know how to reach out in other ways. It then promotes understanding and knowledge after the initial dive into this hardcore political hip-hop. It’s important to see this and tip your hat to PE for pulling it off.

The genius of Public Enemy’s use of so many samples—such as “Angel of Death” by Slayer, “(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party)” by the Beastie Boys, and “Funky Drummer” by James Brown—is that every sample used not only comes together in a perfectly cohesive sound, but also stands to bolster the messages in every song. Twenty years down the road, Public Enemy’s music still appears on its own and in samples for newer songs. It’s clearly influenced the use of samples in hip-hop and other types of music on a larger scale. In 2009, we’ve seen the mash-up generation steadily gaining steam (think Girl Talk, Super Mash Bros., N.A.S.A.), undoubtedly sparked by Nation’s ability to mishmash hip-hop with metal, rock, funk, and even speeches and quotes. PE’s Nation of Millions, with its library of samples that rivals those of most club DJs these days, paved the way for artists who know what beats get people moving and listening. The most important part is that they taught us to do this together by using things that speak to people from any walk of life. Then they drop the bombs.

"Fucking Crazy: The Best Rapper Alive is White" by Jen McLaughlin

2009-05-12T17:27:00.000-04:00

MZ is proud to present our first submission from somebody besides Joey. Introducing Jen McLaughlin...

*****

I recently talked with a mixed-race friend of mine. We shot the shit, classes came up and I told him about Hip-Hop Journalism. He then proceeded to tell me that he had taken a similar class—and had chosen to write his final paper on “why white suburban kids love hip-hop.” Fitting the bill of his subject so precisely made me feel a bit vulnerable. I voiced this to a fellow white hip-hop lover at lunch recently, to which the waspy Texan quickly responded, “The same reason we love Mafia movies.”

I have to admit I see his point. I identify as an (Irish-)Italian. Some of my distant cousins and uncles are indeed mobsters, but I don’t see Mafia movies as my own direct culture. I’m not running drugs, bookie operations, or giving people the cement shoes. I’m the generic white girl just trying to get by in school to a soundtrack of face-melting metal, indie prog-rock, and hip-hop music I can’t live without.

Still, I can’t help but question what right I have to listen to, to love hip-hop. Middle-class, white, college kid. I suppose the rights I have to hip-hop are the same as those I claim to metal: I feel its anger and it soothes my own (though they may stem from very different sources), and I simply love the music. The beats. The way the words pour out over the samples with such ease, the sneering, rolling cleverness that makes you wish you had the authority, the words, the wit to pull it off yourself. I find solace in my favorite rapper—my music collection currently sports about 800 songs rapped, featuring, or produced by him—who just so happens to be white as well.

Eminem was voted the best rapper alive by a poll run in Vibe magazine in 2008.

He hadn’t released any major albums since 2004’s Encore, and was certainly not in the spotlight as much as the biggest music slut out there, Lil’ Wayne, or Jay-Z, the on-again off-again rap retiree. So how did Em pull it off? What is it about him that keeps his fans patiently waiting for the next track he’ll explode on?

Let’s take into account that he’s white. He put it all on the table with “White America,” letting everyone know that the blue-eyed, blonde white kids were eating his shit up because he “looked like them,” but not necessarily because they had similar upbringings. Though white is considered a majority in America, I doubt that the white kids were ballot-stuffing the Vibe poll. It’s simply not that kind of publication. I have to trust that the audience would be more balanced because the hip-hop audience itself is so widespread.

Eminem’s greatness stems from the simple fact that the dude is a genius. Upon asking a buddy of mine what he thought of Em, he replied, “…he’s funny,” and shrugged. Sure, he’s funny. He loves irony. He loves causing a scene and shocking people with his songs because that’s what his whole career has been about. Let’s face it, the odds weren’t with him from the beginning: a bleached-blonde white kid trying to make it in the rap game. He knew it, he knew he could make it, and he wanted to say a big “fuck you” to the haters. His newer stuff is hot (The Eminem Show is still one of my favorite albums), but take a minute to listen to his old shit, his freestyles. The latter is the ultimate testament to his talent.

How the hell can a high school dropout come up with this stuff off the top of his head? The vocabulary, the style and flow, the metaphors, Eminem has it all. It doesn’t matter that he’s white. He’s proven that with his success and the respect he’s gained from his Black rapping counterparts. Em has completely broken every rap barrier. So the next time you hear Lil’ Wayne, or anyone else, claim he’s the “best rapper alive,” think of Eminem, whose fans gave him the title he’d never claim for himself. Yeah, he’ll diss the guys who give him shit, but take his response to the award: “I don't think that there is any one rapper that is simply the best [though]. Everyone who was in consideration and many others are the best at certain things, and at what they do.” Slim Shady? A modest, talented genius?

I’m in love.

Photo Gem of the Day

2009-05-12T15:48:00.000-04:00

Our friend Seansy posted this pic to the MaggotZine facebook group.

-J.O.

Caution: Falling Snow

2009-05-12T15:21:00.001-04:00

Sidewalk closed on Vassar St. in Cambridge, winter 2008. This clearly shows Frank Gehry's failure as an architect. Hey at least it looks cool, right?
-M.M.

More Free Movies for CheapSkates

2009-05-12T14:55:00.000-04:00

If you're like me and you have Comcast OnDemand but none of the good channels, you probably waste a good twenty minutes of your life skimming the free movie list every once in a while. Since I am going to look all the time anyway, I might as well make it easy on the rest of you broke-ass movie lovers.

Right now what's worth checking out in the free movie list:

Chopper - Bio of Mark "Chopper" Read, a criminal celebrity who only could have thrived so well on an island colonized by another country's prisoners. Fucking great movie with Eric Bana playing Chopper. Cinematography shows some effort on their part, before movies like Domino and Smokin' Aces totally played that shit out.

Gonna Get You Sucka - Before the Wayans became total whores. This is a classic example of how movies that mock other movies can actually be good. We're way too accustomed to the Scary Movie franchise which is pretty much garbage now, and they just keep shitting them out because there's always a new pool of 13 year old movie-goers and stoners.

Born Into Brothels - I haven't actually seen it but I know it won a lot of awards. It's a documentary about the children of prostitutes in Calcutta. If you give a fuck about shit you will appreciate it.

Candyman - Fucking classic horror. Nothing else to say. Just watch it.

Capote - Haven't seen it, but I'm sure some people will be interested.

Donnie Brasco - Johnny Depp as an undercover cop. It's a classic for most fans of mob movies.

Foxy Brown - Haha. Blaxploitation should never have happened but if their going to throw it on demand we may as well watch it.

Gummo - If you've seen it once, you know you gotta watch it again. The director/writer of Kids dropped this on the film world and the jury is still out on it. Lots of poor white trash drowning cats if you're into that sort of shit. But honestly this movie is gold for all those who like their weird cinema.

Jury Duty - It's bad don't watch it. I felt like I had to acknowledge that it was there, but we all know that it's garbage. There will always be some people though, who want to get stoned and watch a Pauly Shore jump off. So that's for you.

Short Circuit - Steve fucking Guttenberg and a robot with human emotions! If you remember this gem from your childhood it might be worth revisiting if you're bored enough.

The Fifth Element - We all still remember it, but it doesn't get any less weird each time you see it.

New World Order - A first in conspiracy theory documentaries. This is for both sides of the argument; if you want to make fun of them you'll especially enjoy this. They actually kind of mock the people or at least let them show their own eccentricities.

Pumpkin Head - Classic monster flick.

Saw 3 - You know what it is. Not my thing, but it's there for those who like that shit.

Repulsion - Old school movie from Roman Polanski. A documentary just recently piqued my interest in Polanski, more for his personal life, but I've made it a point to try and see his movies. Haven't seen this one.

Throw Momma From The Train - I don't care who agrees this is a good fucking movie. It's a weird old school comedy with Danny Devito and Billy Crystal.

-J.O.

MGMT - "The Youth" Music Video

2009-05-12T14:19:00.001-04:00

I will admit right away that I am not a huge fan of MGMT, I love some of their songs but most are too lo-fi and weird for me to actually listen to more than once. One day while scouring YouTube for everything that Eric Wareheim ever had a hand in I found this unsettling music video he directed for them. I've watched it over and over again and I still find it strangely hypnotic. His fingerprint is very obvious on the vibe of the video. He is a weird motherfucker...

-J.O.

Here is the video.

YouTube widget is crucial.

2009-05-12T02:29:00.001-04:00

In the search bar to the right---->

Search for " alf mister meatloaf"

I promise you won't be disappointed.

Free Movies

2009-05-12T01:34:00.000-04:00

For all those who want to watch as many movies as possible without actually renting, buying, or going to the theater, there are some new options opening up. Netflix is fucking awesome. I was blown away by it when it first came out just because you could keep movies for as long as you want and it was the best way to find the weird shit they don't carry at Blockbuster. They stepped it up though. Now if you have a membership with them you can watch countless movies on your computer at any time, whether you have a Mac or PC. Most of the movies that you can see instantly are either old or not very good, but their are some fucking absolute gems that people must be made aware of. For anyone that appreciates campy horror movies, you could keep finding new ones forever. They have every Masters of Horror, (Showtime's series that dedicates each episode to a famous horror director) many of which are really, REALLY fucking bad, but some are must sees. For all those who have Netflix and want to watch some movies instantly here are some of the gems that I've found.

Masters of Horror: Takashi Miike: Imprint - Holy fuck! I've never seen so many aborted fetuses in such a short amount of time. Well not while I was awake at least. Must see if you like ridiculous horror, especially if you're familiar with the director.

Masters of Horror: Dario Argento -- Pelts - Fucking Meatloaf playing a sexually deviant fur trader who tries to rape strippers. This director makes me fucking sick. Literally I squirm when I watch shit like this, but I can't get enough. Gore, just simple fucking gore.

Two Shane Meadows movies: This Is England and Dead Man's Shoes - both quality movies that I never expected to see on the Instant watch list.

Bomb The System - Not the best as far as serious cinema goes but, the soundtrack is fucking sick and, if you go for any movie with graffiti, weed, and hip hop, you'll be quite happy.

3 Extremes - ridiculous asian horror - absolutely vital - it's 3 different shorts (one of which pales in comparison to the other two)

Jesus Camp - Even if you're totally apathetic about the subject of Christian Evangelism, you're going to be disturbed by this movie. Seeing pre-teens speak in tongues and pray to a cardboard cut out of George W. Bush can really stir some emotions.

Deliver Us From Evil - It's about a pedophile priest who got caught and then moved to a new church, and then caught again and moved to another church, and so on and so on. This movie is fucking brutal, it's a must see if you have the attention span for documentaries.

A Clockwork Orange - The type of old school movie you wouldn't go too far out of your way to see again, but it's on the Instant watch list so why not.

Teeth - Well, shit! I own it, but if there's anybody out there who ever wondered if a production company would actually follow through with a script about a girl with teeth in her vagina, herein lies the answer. I think they pulled it off really fucking well, but it's not meant to be taken seriously (maybe some feminists have). If you haven't seen it, you're dumb. It's important to your development as a fully functioning member of society.

Also, if you don't have Netflix, but want to get some free movie action too, there is always shitty bootlegs online or bit torrents. I recommend bit torrents.

My Shitty Little Angel

2009-05-12T00:25:00.000-04:00

MZ's very own Joey Bag-O-Donuts wrote this short piece of fiction as a tribute to Chuck Palahniuk's "Guts". He has since been trying to force it on new people even though it's not very good. Good for a laugh at least. -J.O.

*****

When I was 15, I was really into practical jokes. That year I found myself totally unprepared the day before April Fool’s Day. I had already exhausted all the best pranks I knew. Last year, I wrapped saran wrap around my toilet seat and my mother found my little brother crying because he shat all over himself. The year before that, I fed my cat fishing line and watched as my parents chased him with scissors to cut off the shit trailing behind him. I needed something new, still involving feces though, it seemed to be a recurring theme in my life. Everybody loves poop.

I looked to the internet for answers. There were sites dedicated to lists and lists of the dumbest pranks I had ever heard of. Switching the bags of cereal between boxes so that Cheerio’s would come out of the Lucky Charms box. What the fuck is that? Who cares? I needed something bigger, something toilet related. So I googled “toilet pranks”.

The page that came up was really poorly put together. The font was a shade of the same color that the background was and I could barely make it out, but there it was. My mischievous prayers had been answered by the same all-knowing deity that showed me my first vagina, the internet. Right there on my computer screen was the best prank I had ever heard of. It was called “The Upper Deck”, it involved someone shitting into the upper tank of a toilet, the tank that you were not supposed to shit in. This seemed simple enough. The really great part is that every time someone flushed the toilet after that, instead of clean water flooding in and sucking down the waste, more shit would flood in. Then once the victim realizes what has transpired, they have to take the lid off and pull the shit out with a glove or a spoon. This would be my greatest moment.

The mechanics of the prank were easy and it took no planning whatsoever, aside from maybe eating a lot that day. I just needed to choose a victim, not someone necessarily deserving of it, just someone who would be really disgusted by it. I racked my brain for a little while and realized that one of my friends’ mothers was particularly obsessive about keeping the house clean. You could even say that she was obsessively compulsive about it. I’m sure she would have a nervous breakdown if her toilet bowl kept filling with shit every time she flushed.

My friend’s name was Nick, he was the one in the group that everyone secretly hated, but we weren’t mean enough to completely kick him out of our group. Freshmen year was bad enough with a group of friends, I couldn’t imagine doing it alone. I called Nick’s house and asked if I could come over the next day after school, he asked his mother and she permitted it. My evil plan was coming together without a hitch, and I was so thrilled I could almost shit.

That day I made it a point not to do number 2 at school, and I ate as much food as I could. I knew that I would have to shit anyway, but I wanted it to be an extra special shit. I didn’t want anything to come between me and the glory that awaited me. I daydreamed through all my classes. I was too excited to pay attention to algebra or french. I had my eyes on the prize.

Finally the last bell rang. Nick had never felt so wanted by any of our friends. I tracked him down within 30 seconds of school’s ending. He was in the pick up zone out front, waiting for his mom. I pounced on him like an excited dog, grabbing his arm and jumping up and down. He was a little shocked. I began talking enthusiastically about how much fun we would have that day. Nick seemed confused but played along. He was a loser, but he wasn’t dumb; he knew that he was lucky to have a friend like me.

Nick’s mom came through the big front parking lot of my school in her shiny silver Lexus. I jumped in the back seat, Nick jumped in the front. His mother asked how school went in a very forced, uninterested tone. Nick didn’t even bother to answer. I barked out that it was great. She just looked ahead, focused on driving. What a bitch. Desecrating the toilet of this unpleasant woman would be my defining moment.

When we got to Nick’s house, his mother told me I had to take my shoes off before I went into the living room. Almost all my friends’ moms had this same rule about the nice carpeting in their houses, but when she said it, I got pissed. I kicked my shoes off, purposely showing my disgust for her house rules. Just more fuel for the fire, I thought. I had never noticed I hated her so much, I remember thinking about how ugly she was. I wondered if this was how she looked when Nick’s dad married her or did she deteriorate over time due to the stress of raising kids. Maybe I was just focussing on all her flaws so I could convince myself that she deserved to have someone shit in her upper tank. This act of tom-foolery was going to happen regardless, even if I hadn’t considered her a miserable bitch.

Nick talked my fucking ear off. I just zoned out like I always did back then. I did it to my parents, my teachers, and almost all my friends. I just played video games and nodded occasionally, sometimes muttering one word answers so that he would think I was listening. I pretended to focus on the video game only as a cover. I was really using my peripheral vision to see where his mother was. She was still too close to the bathroom. I needed to wait till she was far enough away that there would be absolutely no chance of her coming in. She seemed like the type who wouldn’t knock. That bitch! Having your friend’s mom walk in on you using the bathroom is brutally awkward, but today it would be catastrophic. I can’t imagine anything worse than your friend’s mom catching you perched over the wrong part of her toilet with a shit half out of your ass.

The phone rang and Nick’s mother picked up. It must have been one of her dumb housewife friends, she started chatting about the stupid bullshit that housewives use to distract them from their own mundane lives. This was my chance. As she left the room with the phone to her ear, I handed the controller to Nick. While I stood up, I interrupted him in mid-sentence without even making eye contact. I said I had to use the bathroom. Barely keeping the smirk off my face, I shuffled across the linoleum kitchen floor. I hadn’t realized how bad I had to shit while I was sitting down. I began to rush a little bit, my socks were so new that they hadn’t been worn in at all. I slipped a little on the kitchen floor, almost falling down, I grabbed the doorknob to the bathroom and pulled myself across the shiny floor. I thought to myself that Nick’s mom probably cleaned every surface in the house like 20 times a day because she had nothing better to do.

I closed the bathroom door behind me, and, much to my chagrin, I saw that they had a bunch of stupid knickknacks on top of the toilet cover. Little white angels, all in different prayer poses. I took them off one at a time, I made it a point to put them down on the floor in the exact order that they had been on the toilet. I wanted to leave things the way they were, without leaving any traces. I pretended to be a ninja in there; silent and deadly. I took the lid off of the upper tank and quietly rested it on the floor. Then I put the seat down and climbed up, aiming my ass over the open tank.

It was more straining than I had anticipated. I had held it for too long, now I was compacted. After straining quite a bit, I had made some progress, but it wasn’t going to be a quick, easy shit. I took a deep breath and pushed as hard as I could for as long as I could. I kicked one leg out in frustration as I let my breath out. All my weight was on my other leg, and my brand new sock slipped off of the toilet lid. With a loud smash, I fell down onto the toilet. Pieces of porcelain scattered all around me as I bounced and started to fall toward the hard tile floor. Of course the stupid fucking angel knickknacks were lined up in perfect order right in my path. They hit me in the side all at once and shot out around me in different directions. There was water and broken porcelain all around me, I could hear footsteps right outside the door. I didn’t even try to move.

After a few seconds, I got used to the temperature of the toilet water. It was cold, so I noticed the difference when a warmer liquid began pooling against my leg. I put my hand down and touched the puddle. It was blood. I lifted myself up enough to see the disgusting puddle of shit and blood forming around my legs. I gagged a little, I had never seen anything like that. I was still in shock so I couldn’t feel where the blood was coming from, but I knew it had to be a deep cut; there was a lot of it. I shifted my weight back down onto my side and just laid there in my puddle of blood and shit. I knew I was bleeding from somewhere, but I didn’t have the motivation to investigate any further. I remember thinking that it couldn’t be any vital organ, probably just my thigh or my ass cheek. I would probably need stitches, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Then there was a quick knock on the door and I anticipated shame worse than anything I had ever felt before. It was Nick’s mother. She asked if everything was alright and then just walked in with Nick behind her. Their eyes widened simultaneously as they observed the pathetic display in front of them. I was laying on my side, squealing in pain, surrounded by little angel knickknacks covered in blood and shit. The broken porcelain was everywhere; the mix of piss, blood, and toilet water was almost covering the entire white tile floor. I couldn’t have said anything even if I wanted to; the fall had knocked the wind out of me. I couldn’t even make eye contact with either of them, I just stared straight ahead at one of the shit-covered angels, thinking that this was Karma.

It seemed that Nick’s mother couldn’t even comprehend what had just happened. Her OCD compelled her to just start cleaning around me, acting like I wasn’t there. She seemed to be mumbling to herself as she picked up the pieces of porcelain and tried to put the toilet back together. She whispered to Nick to go get her the crazy glue, he ran off toward the kitchen, leaving me alone with her. Then she grabbed a rag and started wiping up the toilet water and blood. I thought to myself that this bitch was actually going to make me beg for help. She was more worried about her fucking bathroom being clean than she was about the bloody, shitty deviant literally wallowing in his own filth on the floor.

Nick came back with the crazy glue and handed it to his mother. She was really about to start working on the toilet, I couldn’t believe it. I had gotten enough air in my lungs to whisper: ”It’s serious.” I guess it didn’t hit her until I spoke, she started bawling and dropped the crazy glue. She couldn’t handle the fact that her bathroom was destroyed and there was nothing she could do to fix it right now. Then she just walked into the kitchen with her hands on the sides of her face, I assumed she would call an ambulance or my parents. I could just barely see through the crack in between the door and the wall that she was just pacing in there crying to herself. I sighed in disbelief and looked up at Nick. He didn’t know what to do, it became obvious then that I would have to direct him if I was going to be rescued.

I sat up to tell Nick to call 911 because I was hurt. When I shifted my body, the blood leaked even faster, it seemed to be coming from my ass. I couldn’t see it, but Nick could and he started crying. Seeing the look on his face scared me, I started crying too. Then I screamed for him to do something and he ran to get the phone. Thank god, I thought. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, but at least I wasn’t going to die here, bleeding to death out of my ass.

After way too long, the ambulance arrived. I could hear their voices in the kitchen. When they asked Nick’s mom what happened she just started ranting about how much it would cost to fix the toilet. After an awkward pause, they realized she would be no help, and they walked past her. Nick couldn’t do anything but point at the bathroom doorway where watery blood was starting to leak into the hallway. When they saw me they knew there would be no point in asking questions at the moment, they had to get me out of there. When they lifted me up, more blood shot out and I fainted.

I came to in the ambulance, the shock had worn off and I could feel everything. The pain was so bad, I couldn’t even tell exactly where it was coming from. I could hear them talking about testicular torsion, and atrophy. I had no idea what these words meant but they sounded horrible and they were a clue as to where the blood had been coming from. This was enough to get me crying again and, in an attempt to console me, the female EMT told me that my parents would be waiting for me at the hospital. The idea of them seeing me like this just turned my slight whimpering to an all out hysterical fit. After about five minutes, I couldn’t cry anymore and I was silent for the rest of the ride.

When I got to the hospital, I did everything I could to avoid eye contact with everyone that I passed, including my parents and the doctors. My parents were told to wait in the lobby of the emergency room, and I was a little relieved by that. The doctors told me that I had ruptured my scrotum and I would need surgery right away. I cried uncontrollably again until the drugs kicked in.

I was out of it for the next few days. When I finally became coherent, the first thing I saw was my father leaning toward my hospital bed with my mother crying in the chair next to him. Instead of waiting for me to explain how this happened, he just started talking with a seriousness that I had never seen from him. He proceeded to ask me if I knew what a eunuch was. I had no idea, but I was still euphoric from the drugs they had given me so I just assumed it was something good. It sounded like a good word. With a nervous grin stretching across my face, I asked him to enlighten me.

My father continued and I slowly began to make the connection. I was sure he must be fucking with me. He was just trying to scare me, to teach me a lesson, I thought. Trying to make sure I would never try a stunt like this again.

Just then, the doctor came in with his face hidden by his clipboard. He pulled it down to reveal a very concerned expression and began telling me that time was a huge factor in my little accident. He said that if I had made it to the hospital only a few minutes sooner things would have been different. My dad leaned back into his chair, putting his arm around my mother. He began to cry too and then I knew he had been serious. I instantly blamed Nick’s mother. She had started cleaning instead of calling 911 right away, I had to tell Nick to do it. That dumb bitch had castrated me with her OCD.

The doctor went on to tell me that severe blunt trauma to the spermatic cord was an injury that needed immediate medical attention. He said that there was a very short window of time in which to save testicular function. Then, he handed me a pamphlet. Through the tears forming in my eyes, I could just make out the shapes of a bunch of happy men playing football and smiling. I wiped my eyes and saw that it was some eunuch support group flier, telling me that I could still have a fulfilling life without a working dick. I thought this was a joke, but when I opened my mouth to laugh I just starting crying even harder.

After they gave me some time to flip through the pamphlet and ask some naive questions, they pointed to my clothes and told me I could get dressed now. I stood up slowly and shrieked in pain. It felt like my legs were tied together, I couldn’t walk right. As I shuffled slowly toward the nurse who was holding my clothes, I started to get hysterical again. I slapped my bloody clothes out of her hands and onto the floor. From one of the legs of my pants flew a shitty little angel. It slid across the floor until it bounced off of the doctor’s foot. Everyone’s eyes followed it the whole way.

I laughed. A great big delirious chuckle had forced it’s way up from the bottom of my lungs. I couldn’t stop it. When I tried to, it just made the muscles in my face hurt. Everyone else in the room was perplexed. I just kept laughing like a mad man, staring at the shit covered angel with tears leaking down the side of my face.

**************************

That was the last time I ever laughed like that, it’s been ten years. Sometimes, when I listen to the sad stories of the other eunuchs in my support group a nervous giggle comes up as I think to myself that I’m not like them. I always manage to choke it down just before everyone turns to look at me. There is no prank that would ever make me laugh as hard as I did that day at the hospital. I kept the angel, unwashed, in a plastic bag. For the first few years, I would look at it and almost smile, but lately I just use it as a visual aid when I have to get up and tell this story to new group members. After telling the story about a hundred times, it’s pretty easy to pretend that it’s a work of fiction or that it happened to someone else. Then I go home, high on pretending, and I try to masturbate. The reality hits me all at once when my dead dick doesn’t respond to my best efforts at arousal. Then I just hold my shitty little angel and cry until my ribs hurt.

The Thrilling Prospects of Armageddon

2009-05-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

A social commentary piece from MZ's very own Joey Bag-O-Donuts:

It has been said that every generation expects theirs to be the last, but perhaps the youngest generation alive now will finally see this grandiose fantasy come true...

When the atomic bomb first made its debut, the end seemed distressingly near to all those cynical about mankind’s shrewdness, yet nuclear winter has still not frosted the globe. Y2K was hyped up to be the absolute downfall of our only recently computer-based society, but that too has come and gone without even a minor inconvenience. Evangelical christians have been putting exact dates and sometimes even times on the end of all we know; and somehow, being wrong every time has not weakened their enthusiasm at all.

With 2012 steadily approaching, we must begin to wonder: have we simply not learned our lesson or is this apocalypse the real thing? Have we not noticed the negative effects of convincing all those vulnerable enough that the end is upon us? Has the Mayan calendar’s dooming end date sealed the deal for all our skeptics? If not, then what about Nostrodaumus’ and the Bible’s coinciding prophecies?

While we can all assume that this side-show has to end sometime, those who have lived through at least one prophetic failure will likely remain unconvinced until December 25th 2012. What about those who are willing to believe whatever they’re told?

“The History Channel” dedicated a whole week of programming to the 2012 prophecy, boldly calling it “Armageddon Week” as if it were no more serious than their largely popular “Shark Week”. Innumerable “YouTube” videos have laid out many different theories as to the cause and result of our coming apocalypse. Most job-holding adults brush these things off simply because they have more pressing matters to tend to, but what about the kids?

All children within close reach of computers or television, have unlimited access to all the doomsday prophecy they can stand. Is this what we want for our children? It seems brutally obvious that a notion of impending doom will very effectively breed an all encompassing sense of apathy that could indeed manifest these gloomy predictions. The usual urgency that drives our American way of life is seriously threatened by hordes of unmotivated, uncaring children, but, even more worrisome, is the rest of the vulnerable minds who are accepting the end of the world: the flocks of all our major religions.

Those who are up-to-date on their holy books know full well how crucial armageddon is to varying religious doctrines. The climax of said literature always seems to be the same: those who followed the rules get their great rewards as soon as God’s wrath has been evenly distributed throughout the evil multitudes which seem to run the planet. This would all be regarded as laughable science-fiction to the atheists and the pious would remain committed simply because their chance at ever-lasting life was resting on it, but in our time prophecy has been hitting a little closer to home.

Real world events have been cleverly woven into biblical prophecy by those who are trusted with the peculiar job of interpreting it. War in the cradle of civilization is an agreed upon sign of the end for many creeds, and Lord knows we’ve got plenty of that! Also, fundamentalist christians believe that the end will not come until Israel has won back their holy land. How ironic! That very epic real estate battle is bludgeoning it’s way into our headlines almost everyday! What’s most distressing about this whole mess is that the same folks who are interpreting the holy books and finding their own upside to this morbid conundrum are the ones waging the aforementioned wars. The evangelicals who stood so steadfast behind Israel in their conflict with Palestinians did after all have some ulterior motive. They made their moves with the knowledge that Jesus wasn’t swinging back around to pick them up until Israel got what God had promised them so long ago.

With all these unsettling predictions converging on our time and those who believe them acting accordingly, the term “self-fulfilling prophecy” has taken on great importance. If we put our trust in the Mayan calendar, then we’ve simply run out of time, to which we can only sigh and mutter in unison that “We had a good run”. On the other hand, these religious nuts might just be taking us down with them, convinced that on the other side of brutal fighting and hatred amongst mankind there will be salvation for all who deserve it. Atheist or extremist, we should all just pray that mankind will not go out on such foolish and ignorant terms. We all know the end will come eventually, but in case anybody’s watching let’s try and bow out gracefully.

-JO

Introducing MaggotZIne...

2009-02-14T19:36:00.000-05:00

To give you an idea of what we're all about...