the machine

sometimes the machine gets so large, the cogs dont even know they are parts of the machine. when the machine breaks, the cogs upstairs dont tell the cogs downstairs. the machine stays broken until one rogue cog breaks free and takes down the whole machine. then and only then can there be a purpose for every cog. then and only then will we realize the machine was broken to begin with and can rebuild a new, better machine.

Under the Semen

We've all heard of the classic Disney movie subliminal sex references.  If you haven't (or have somehow forgotten due to some mix of maturity and the fact that you can now access porn instead of looking for a cartoon chub), let's review.  The genie in Aladdin tells the dude and Jasmine to be "good teenagers" and "take off your clothes."  Flowers that Simba lies on in The Lion King's love scene (?) fly up to spell the word "SEX."  But I think my favorite is The Little Mermaid.

Not only does the priest get a stiffy (hm...) while about to marry the Prince with that octopus bitch, but the cover pretty much speaks for the utter dirtiness of the Disney animators...and perhaps explains how they subliminally turned us into nymphos.  

There is a.  Blatant.  Dick.  Drawn right on the front.

That's right, boys and girls.  A giant glittering disco stick as a turret of the underwater palace.  Check your copy if you don't believe me.  You know you have one, even if you want to tell people it's "your little sister's."  So the next time you tell your friend that a pipe looks like a dick, remember that it was Walt Disney who taught us that sex is everywhere-and so are cocks-and tell him to go watch this movie.

"Darling, it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me!" -Sebastian, The Little Mermaid, "Under the Sea"

Thoughts On Dead Michael

I honestly never thought this day would come. Just the other day, I was talking about how excited I was to see what kind of nutty shit Mike would be getting into five years from now. I envisioned him riding an ostrich to the grocery store, wearing a goalie mask and a kimono. I imagined a police report detailing a pale, emaciated man masturbating into a sombrero on a busy playground. Anything was possible with this guy.

I figured his lunacy would come full-circle and he'd start nailing broads. He would grant an exclusive interview to Rolling Stone, in which he would use the word "pussy" 57 times. He would throw insane parties where you constantly ran the risk of walking in on Michael getting a handjob. The partying phase would quickly come to an end after an aspiring model is bludgeoned to death with the Elephant Man's femur.

Is Bubbles still alive? That fucking guy should write a book. Everybody underestimates the monkey. They see everything. EVERYTHING.

My favorite part of the picture I used is not Michael's suit. It's the fact that it's impossible to determine whether some of the kids with him are retarded or just way more asian-looking than the others.

What do you mean "Too far?"

I was recently invited to a friends hotel party. He isn't a very good friend (not in the sense that he doesn't listen or give me hugs but in the aspect that i don't know him incredibly well) so i was hesitant to attend. but after drowning my doubt with multiple shots of Jameson and tequila i was off to the hotel party. 15 minutes into this horrid "party" i knew i should of just went to my local watering hole and mingled with the gutter girls that frequent the bar. This party was something out of cables favorite 'Step by Step' or 'Full House' (a bunch of white kids dancing like Springsteen and drinking low carb beers.) I cut my losses and went for broke. i was going to get trashed and either piss everybody off or make them have the time of their lives. in the next half hour I had convinced everybody to do a shot every 5 minutes. i manipulated the girls to make out and remove their oh so uncomfortable clothing. I co horsed the host of the party to order room service, porno and to purchase me cigarettes from the gift shop. things were looking up (here's where i found out my views on Partying and having fun are far from the norm). A few of the guests had passed out and a kid that looked like Kuato from Total Recall voiced that we should fuck with the unfortunate saps that had zonked out early. Of course the consensus was the ever so boring draw penises, undo pants, balls on forehead etc... I decided to take the lead and show my nerdy followers how to 'Fuck with the passed out' in the only way i know how. I told them to get a camera ready and to just start taking pictures. I proceeded to get naked, climb above a kid passed out on the couch, put a maker up my butt and then draw on his face "Hands Free" if you will. my penmanship was a bit choppy due to my uncontrollable laughter but none the less it was good work. after my dismount off the couch i removed it from my cavity and put it in my victims hand. to my surprise it did not go over well and like a black guy at a diner in the 50's, i was told to get the fuck out. I have yet to receive an email of the pictures.

Speaking of Which...

1. I don't know what kinda dicks you've been looking at, but that pipe...no dude...no.

2. They put a giant condom on this obelisk in Buenos Aires to celebrate(?) international AIDS day, I wonder if there's a room for rent in that reservoir tip:

Phallic Buildings

I was walking down the street in Allston last week when something caught my eye. Something was strange about a pipe that was coming out of a building. I turned around to take a second look at this strange pipe, and I noticed...it looks just like a dick!



I snapped a photo, and my friend I was with thought it was amusing. I pay close attention to buildings, and I've noticed that many buildings look like dicks. Seeing this phallic pipe reminded me of a website I used to laugh at once in a while. It is the hall of fame of phallic buildings. It's had to deny that architects purposely put a giant cock in a city somewhere, most of the time meaning dominance, masculinity, power, or monumentality.

So here is a website dedicated to buildings that look like dicks. Some of you may recognize some of these perpetrators which penetrate the Boston skyline obscenely.

Freakin' Out at a Pigeon

I was chilin at Back Bay station waiting for a train to Sharon and noticed some guy was sitting on a bench all sprawled out like a bad ass, not giving others a chance to sit. Then out of nowhere, a pigeon came swooping in for a landing about 7 feet infront of the guy. This startled the hell out of the guy and he let out a little yelp. I think this was out of embarrassment, but the guy proceeded to get up and start yelling obscenities at the bird. He then raised his arms and challenged the bird to a fight. Now extremely embarrassed, the guy left the train station abruptly. Now, it's quite obvious that the man was in that station for a reason... to catch a train. Then, his entire plan was diverted and he didn't even get to ride the train. Moral of the story, don't let pigeons get in the way of your destiny. Thank you for reading my MaggotZine debut.

Group therapy

I have been ordered to attend mandatory group therapy meetings because apparently I have a substance abuse problem. Someone figured this out when I got a DUI whilst hanging out the window of my car swigging a bottle of captain morgan. My friend was driving in front of me wearing a joe dirt wig and a wife beater in a CLS500. We have not yet determined if he was awake during the entire episode as his head was in his own lap. It should be noted Joe dirt felt it necessary to drive northbound on a southbound one-way road and then crash into our friends parked truck.
The police also made a note there was a large open bottle of captain morgan rum half empty and poorly hidden in my back seat. I was unaware drinking and driving was no longer considered a sport. Anyway.
We had a group session today. My first of ten. Among my peers were a few half senile old men and a few half senile young men-and one 23 year old girl who was about as sharp as my index finger and as aware of her own annoyance as much as K Fed is of his own asininity.
I now believe i do have a substance abuse problem.
They asked how many times do you need to have been drunk in your life to be considered a substance abuser.
No one responded.
So he asked how many rapes you need to be considered a rapist.
I said three or four.
Hilarity ensued.
I now know im a substance abuser. And scene.