Under the Semen

We've all heard of the classic Disney movie subliminal sex references.  If you haven't (or have somehow forgotten due to some mix of maturity and the fact that you can now access porn instead of looking for a cartoon chub), let's review.  The genie in Aladdin tells the dude and Jasmine to be "good teenagers" and "take off your clothes."  Flowers that Simba lies on in The Lion King's love scene (?) fly up to spell the word "SEX."  But I think my favorite is The Little Mermaid.

Not only does the priest get a stiffy (hm...) while about to marry the Prince with that octopus bitch, but the cover pretty much speaks for the utter dirtiness of the Disney animators...and perhaps explains how they subliminally turned us into nymphos.  

There is a.  Blatant.  Dick.  Drawn right on the front.

That's right, boys and girls.  A giant glittering disco stick as a turret of the underwater palace.  Check your copy if you don't believe me.  You know you have one, even if you want to tell people it's "your little sister's."  So the next time you tell your friend that a pipe looks like a dick, remember that it was Walt Disney who taught us that sex is everywhere-and so are cocks-and tell him to go watch this movie.

"Darling, it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me!" -Sebastian, The Little Mermaid, "Under the Sea"

Thoughts On Dead Michael

I honestly never thought this day would come. Just the other day, I was talking about how excited I was to see what kind of nutty shit Mike would be getting into five years from now. I envisioned him riding an ostrich to the grocery store, wearing a goalie mask and a kimono. I imagined a police report detailing a pale, emaciated man masturbating into a sombrero on a busy playground. Anything was possible with this guy.

I figured his lunacy would come full-circle and he'd start nailing broads. He would grant an exclusive interview to Rolling Stone, in which he would use the word "pussy" 57 times. He would throw insane parties where you constantly ran the risk of walking in on Michael getting a handjob. The partying phase would quickly come to an end after an aspiring model is bludgeoned to death with the Elephant Man's femur.

Is Bubbles still alive? That fucking guy should write a book. Everybody underestimates the monkey. They see everything. EVERYTHING.

My favorite part of the picture I used is not Michael's suit. It's the fact that it's impossible to determine whether some of the kids with him are retarded or just way more asian-looking than the others.

What do you mean "Too far?"

I was recently invited to a friends hotel party. He isn't a very good friend (not in the sense that he doesn't listen or give me hugs but in the aspect that i don't know him incredibly well) so i was hesitant to attend. but after drowning my doubt with multiple shots of Jameson and tequila i was off to the hotel party. 15 minutes into this horrid "party" i knew i should of just went to my local watering hole and mingled with the gutter girls that frequent the bar. This party was something out of cables favorite 'Step by Step' or 'Full House' (a bunch of white kids dancing like Springsteen and drinking low carb beers.) I cut my losses and went for broke. i was going to get trashed and either piss everybody off or make them have the time of their lives. in the next half hour I had convinced everybody to do a shot every 5 minutes. i manipulated the girls to make out and remove their oh so uncomfortable clothing. I co horsed the host of the party to order room service, porno and to purchase me cigarettes from the gift shop. things were looking up (here's where i found out my views on Partying and having fun are far from the norm). A few of the guests had passed out and a kid that looked like Kuato from Total Recall voiced that we should fuck with the unfortunate saps that had zonked out early. Of course the consensus was the ever so boring draw penises, undo pants, balls on forehead etc... I decided to take the lead and show my nerdy followers how to 'Fuck with the passed out' in the only way i know how. I told them to get a camera ready and to just start taking pictures. I proceeded to get naked, climb above a kid passed out on the couch, put a maker up my butt and then draw on his face "Hands Free" if you will. my penmanship was a bit choppy due to my uncontrollable laughter but none the less it was good work. after my dismount off the couch i removed it from my cavity and put it in my victims hand. to my surprise it did not go over well and like a black guy at a diner in the 50's, i was told to get the fuck out. I have yet to receive an email of the pictures.

Speaking of Which...

1. I don't know what kinda dicks you've been looking at, but that pipe...no dude...no.

2. They put a giant condom on this obelisk in Buenos Aires to celebrate(?) international AIDS day, I wonder if there's a room for rent in that reservoir tip:

Phallic Buildings

I was walking down the street in Allston last week when something caught my eye. Something was strange about a pipe that was coming out of a building. I turned around to take a second look at this strange pipe, and I noticed...it looks just like a dick!



I snapped a photo, and my friend I was with thought it was amusing. I pay close attention to buildings, and I've noticed that many buildings look like dicks. Seeing this phallic pipe reminded me of a website I used to laugh at once in a while. It is the hall of fame of phallic buildings. It's had to deny that architects purposely put a giant cock in a city somewhere, most of the time meaning dominance, masculinity, power, or monumentality.

So here is a website dedicated to buildings that look like dicks. Some of you may recognize some of these perpetrators which penetrate the Boston skyline obscenely.

Freakin' Out at a Pigeon

I was chilin at Back Bay station waiting for a train to Sharon and noticed some guy was sitting on a bench all sprawled out like a bad ass, not giving others a chance to sit. Then out of nowhere, a pigeon came swooping in for a landing about 7 feet infront of the guy. This startled the hell out of the guy and he let out a little yelp. I think this was out of embarrassment, but the guy proceeded to get up and start yelling obscenities at the bird. He then raised his arms and challenged the bird to a fight. Now extremely embarrassed, the guy left the train station abruptly. Now, it's quite obvious that the man was in that station for a reason... to catch a train. Then, his entire plan was diverted and he didn't even get to ride the train. Moral of the story, don't let pigeons get in the way of your destiny. Thank you for reading my MaggotZine debut.

...

Never Been So Impressed By YouTube Garbage

SUBWAY Chasing the 'Urban' Demographic in my Dream World?

I had this new idea to start writing down my dreams, because lately I've been having these crazy 8 hour dream odysseys that it would be a shame to let slip into the abyss of my stoner (non)memory. Some of the recent ones have been pretty interesting, like the one where I was God and I didn't give a fuck about shit except hanging out with other God-Bros and chasing divine Goddess booty meat. But up till today this plan to record my dreams just meant that I had a little notebook next to my bed which I filled with countless sketches of guys with high top fades (HTF's). Finally, I woke up with a dream still being vivid enough in my mind that I told it to someone else verbally, and that cemented the crucial details in my mind enough that I can now share this dream with the single digit number of people who I suspect might only be looking at the pictures of this blog.

Prepare to have your fucking minds blown:
(may not have any relevance if you're unfamiliar with some of the people and places mentioned)

So...in the real world I had already woken up around 9 AM and I went back to sleep knowing that I was going to have someone coming to wake me up around 12 to go demolish a deck.

In my dream, this was the most important thing on my mind, but before I could meet my friend for work I had to get some food in my gut. So i went to Pizza Market to get a small cheese pizza (SCP) and an orange soda extreme (OS X). When I arrived, it seemed there was a scorpion infestation behind the counter. When I paid for my food, they tried to discuss said infestation with me, but I couldn't really understand what they were saying and so I smiled and awkwardly walked away.

When I went outside, the little BMX punks were loitering hard, talking mad shit. If you know Pizza Market/Heights Plaza then you know what I'm saying. They shouted unintelligible banter all around my shit and all I did was glare and keep walking to where I had parked my car. When I got there, I realized it was fucking gone. Then I walked up and down the parking lot with pizza in hand looking for my car, slowly starting to lose my shit. Some mysterious ass-dick was walking with me and trying to console me by saying someone was just fucking with me and would bring it back but that pissed me off even more. I started panicking because I had to go meet my friend Pete to do this deck thing, although the weather was not supportive of outdoor work: it was night time and snowing heavily.

As I was wandering up and down the parking lot checking the same places again and again, I saw Jay Blair(my class president and friend who is way cooler than the usual 'class president stereotype') walking toward me donning a smart tweed sports coat with a vibrantly colored ascot. As he approached, I forgot about the car search for a minute and prepared for polite small talk. He told me he was opening up a SUBWAY franchise in Heights Plaza and somehow I already knew about it. We talked about stuff and things, while I noticed over his shoulder that they seemed to be shooting an 'urban' demographic-aimed TV commercial in the SUBWAY. There's nothing I hate more than marketing campaigns that strive for 'urban' appeal (especially the recent marketing strategy McDonald's is trying to be all about with the indie music and the public transportation), but I masked my contempt for the moment. The class president broke off to go oversee his new business venture, and I went back to getting uppity about my car.

In real life, I'm very well known for my non-reliability and getting my car jacked right before this job I was supposed to do was really gonna hurt my 'working man image'. Needless to say, I was stressing hard, but then suddenly it hit me: this shit isn't real/SUBWAY franchise owners don't dress this well/Jay's in San Fran/I'm in my bed and my car is in my driveway. Then my alarm went off and my friend Pete let himself into my house to wake me up at the exact same time. So then I told him about my epic dream and we watched soccer moms ram minivans into curbs. Then we ripped apart this deck which had an ant infestation (foreshadowed by scorpion infestation?), then later I touched all the spots where they sprayed ant killer and, as I'm writing this, my mouth still tastes like Poison...

ThunderMatt's Last Post Inspired Me To Drop This Realness On All Yall

I feel like many people don't watch The Daily Show, thus I'm worried this GEM may have slipped by unnoticed. Quite related to ThunderMatt's post and fucking hilarious.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Long Island Wants to Secede
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Check Out Green Box! (not a venereal disease)

I'm really into pizza (or 'za'), so obviously this new invention is right up my ally.

I've gotten pretty creative with strategic box ripping in the past, but it was always frowned upon in the 'za' community.

The future is now!

'Green Box' Product Promo (Pizza Box) from Green Box on Vimeo.

REALLY COOL THINGS

All of these things are really cool and if you want to be cool you should have or do them:

Tattoos!
Harley Davidsons!
Pleated Pants!
DENNIS RODMAN!
Blowout Haircuts!
Tiny DOOOOGS!
MMA TRAINING!
AFFLICTION HAAATS!
Constantly Updated STATI on FACEBOOOK!
Ventless SUIT JACKETS!
RVCA TEE SHIRTS!
Sandals with JEANS!
HAIRGEL!
A BARTENDING JOB! And a superficial SUPREMACY COMPLEX ABOUT IT! MAKE MY DRINK AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!
MILKSHAKES NIGGA!
MULTIPLE REPEATEDDD LETTERSSSS AND CAPS LOCK!
Hammers!
Arrogance when you cant even do your laundry, define sartorial, name the members of operation ivy, pay your rent, explain the single complication of a BELL AND ROSS BR01, ASSEMBLE A CPU FROM SCRATCH, download microsoft office FO FREE, do 100 push UPS, navigate yourself to a location you have only been once, PATCH A FLAT TIRE in a PARKING LOT, ROOF A HOUSE, perform a multi-level sort on excel, hit a BASE BALL, do a back FLIP, point out any girl and get her number, discern automatic MOVEMENT from QUARTZ, BUILD A DECK, name the atomic make up of a CARBOHYDRATE, differentiate ERMENEGILDO ZEGNA from HELMUT LANG and know how to determine the authenticity of either, dissasemble and REASSEMBLE a HK USP .40 compact, understand the works of MARQUES de SADE, fuck yourself im done