Thoughts On Dead Michael

I honestly never thought this day would come. Just the other day, I was talking about how excited I was to see what kind of nutty shit Mike would be getting into five years from now. I envisioned him riding an ostrich to the grocery store, wearing a goalie mask and a kimono. I imagined a police report detailing a pale, emaciated man masturbating into a sombrero on a busy playground. Anything was possible with this guy.

I figured his lunacy would come full-circle and he'd start nailing broads. He would grant an exclusive interview to Rolling Stone, in which he would use the word "pussy" 57 times. He would throw insane parties where you constantly ran the risk of walking in on Michael getting a handjob. The partying phase would quickly come to an end after an aspiring model is bludgeoned to death with the Elephant Man's femur.

Is Bubbles still alive? That fucking guy should write a book. Everybody underestimates the monkey. They see everything. EVERYTHING.

My favorite part of the picture I used is not Michael's suit. It's the fact that it's impossible to determine whether some of the kids with him are retarded or just way more asian-looking than the others.

What do you mean "Too far?"

I was recently invited to a friends hotel party. He isn't a very good friend (not in the sense that he doesn't listen or give me hugs but in the aspect that i don't know him incredibly well) so i was hesitant to attend. but after drowning my doubt with multiple shots of Jameson and tequila i was off to the hotel party. 15 minutes into this horrid "party" i knew i should of just went to my local watering hole and mingled with the gutter girls that frequent the bar. This party was something out of cables favorite 'Step by Step' or 'Full House' (a bunch of white kids dancing like Springsteen and drinking low carb beers.) I cut my losses and went for broke. i was going to get trashed and either piss everybody off or make them have the time of their lives. in the next half hour I had convinced everybody to do a shot every 5 minutes. i manipulated the girls to make out and remove their oh so uncomfortable clothing. I co horsed the host of the party to order room service, porno and to purchase me cigarettes from the gift shop. things were looking up (here's where i found out my views on Partying and having fun are far from the norm). A few of the guests had passed out and a kid that looked like Kuato from Total Recall voiced that we should fuck with the unfortunate saps that had zonked out early. Of course the consensus was the ever so boring draw penises, undo pants, balls on forehead etc... I decided to take the lead and show my nerdy followers how to 'Fuck with the passed out' in the only way i know how. I told them to get a camera ready and to just start taking pictures. I proceeded to get naked, climb above a kid passed out on the couch, put a maker up my butt and then draw on his face "Hands Free" if you will. my penmanship was a bit choppy due to my uncontrollable laughter but none the less it was good work. after my dismount off the couch i removed it from my cavity and put it in my victims hand. to my surprise it did not go over well and like a black guy at a diner in the 50's, i was told to get the fuck out. I have yet to receive an email of the pictures.

Speaking of Which...

1. I don't know what kinda dicks you've been looking at, but that pipe...no dude...no.

2. They put a giant condom on this obelisk in Buenos Aires to celebrate(?) international AIDS day, I wonder if there's a room for rent in that reservoir tip:

Phallic Buildings

I was walking down the street in Allston last week when something caught my eye. Something was strange about a pipe that was coming out of a building. I turned around to take a second look at this strange pipe, and I noticed...it looks just like a dick!



I snapped a photo, and my friend I was with thought it was amusing. I pay close attention to buildings, and I've noticed that many buildings look like dicks. Seeing this phallic pipe reminded me of a website I used to laugh at once in a while. It is the hall of fame of phallic buildings. It's had to deny that architects purposely put a giant cock in a city somewhere, most of the time meaning dominance, masculinity, power, or monumentality.

So here is a website dedicated to buildings that look like dicks. Some of you may recognize some of these perpetrators which penetrate the Boston skyline obscenely.

Freakin' Out at a Pigeon

I was chilin at Back Bay station waiting for a train to Sharon and noticed some guy was sitting on a bench all sprawled out like a bad ass, not giving others a chance to sit. Then out of nowhere, a pigeon came swooping in for a landing about 7 feet infront of the guy. This startled the hell out of the guy and he let out a little yelp. I think this was out of embarrassment, but the guy proceeded to get up and start yelling obscenities at the bird. He then raised his arms and challenged the bird to a fight. Now extremely embarrassed, the guy left the train station abruptly. Now, it's quite obvious that the man was in that station for a reason... to catch a train. Then, his entire plan was diverted and he didn't even get to ride the train. Moral of the story, don't let pigeons get in the way of your destiny. Thank you for reading my MaggotZine debut.

...

Never Been So Impressed By YouTube Garbage

SUBWAY Chasing the 'Urban' Demographic in my Dream World?

I had this new idea to start writing down my dreams, because lately I've been having these crazy 8 hour dream odysseys that it would be a shame to let slip into the abyss of my stoner (non)memory. Some of the recent ones have been pretty interesting, like the one where I was God and I didn't give a fuck about shit except hanging out with other God-Bros and chasing divine Goddess booty meat. But up till today this plan to record my dreams just meant that I had a little notebook next to my bed which I filled with countless sketches of guys with high top fades (HTF's). Finally, I woke up with a dream still being vivid enough in my mind that I told it to someone else verbally, and that cemented the crucial details in my mind enough that I can now share this dream with the single digit number of people who I suspect might only be looking at the pictures of this blog.

Prepare to have your fucking minds blown:
(may not have any relevance if you're unfamiliar with some of the people and places mentioned)

So...in the real world I had already woken up around 9 AM and I went back to sleep knowing that I was going to have someone coming to wake me up around 12 to go demolish a deck.

In my dream, this was the most important thing on my mind, but before I could meet my friend for work I had to get some food in my gut. So i went to Pizza Market to get a small cheese pizza (SCP) and an orange soda extreme (OS X). When I arrived, it seemed there was a scorpion infestation behind the counter. When I paid for my food, they tried to discuss said infestation with me, but I couldn't really understand what they were saying and so I smiled and awkwardly walked away.

When I went outside, the little BMX punks were loitering hard, talking mad shit. If you know Pizza Market/Heights Plaza then you know what I'm saying. They shouted unintelligible banter all around my shit and all I did was glare and keep walking to where I had parked my car. When I got there, I realized it was fucking gone. Then I walked up and down the parking lot with pizza in hand looking for my car, slowly starting to lose my shit. Some mysterious ass-dick was walking with me and trying to console me by saying someone was just fucking with me and would bring it back but that pissed me off even more. I started panicking because I had to go meet my friend Pete to do this deck thing, although the weather was not supportive of outdoor work: it was night time and snowing heavily.

As I was wandering up and down the parking lot checking the same places again and again, I saw Jay Blair(my class president and friend who is way cooler than the usual 'class president stereotype') walking toward me donning a smart tweed sports coat with a vibrantly colored ascot. As he approached, I forgot about the car search for a minute and prepared for polite small talk. He told me he was opening up a SUBWAY franchise in Heights Plaza and somehow I already knew about it. We talked about stuff and things, while I noticed over his shoulder that they seemed to be shooting an 'urban' demographic-aimed TV commercial in the SUBWAY. There's nothing I hate more than marketing campaigns that strive for 'urban' appeal (especially the recent marketing strategy McDonald's is trying to be all about with the indie music and the public transportation), but I masked my contempt for the moment. The class president broke off to go oversee his new business venture, and I went back to getting uppity about my car.

In real life, I'm very well known for my non-reliability and getting my car jacked right before this job I was supposed to do was really gonna hurt my 'working man image'. Needless to say, I was stressing hard, but then suddenly it hit me: this shit isn't real/SUBWAY franchise owners don't dress this well/Jay's in San Fran/I'm in my bed and my car is in my driveway. Then my alarm went off and my friend Pete let himself into my house to wake me up at the exact same time. So then I told him about my epic dream and we watched soccer moms ram minivans into curbs. Then we ripped apart this deck which had an ant infestation (foreshadowed by scorpion infestation?), then later I touched all the spots where they sprayed ant killer and, as I'm writing this, my mouth still tastes like Poison...

ThunderMatt's Last Post Inspired Me To Drop This Realness On All Yall

I feel like many people don't watch The Daily Show, thus I'm worried this GEM may have slipped by unnoticed. Quite related to ThunderMatt's post and fucking hilarious.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Long Island Wants to Secede
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Check Out Green Box! (not a venereal disease)

I'm really into pizza (or 'za'), so obviously this new invention is right up my ally.

I've gotten pretty creative with strategic box ripping in the past, but it was always frowned upon in the 'za' community.

The future is now!

'Green Box' Product Promo (Pizza Box) from Green Box on Vimeo.

REALLY COOL THINGS

All of these things are really cool and if you want to be cool you should have or do them:

Tattoos!
Harley Davidsons!
Pleated Pants!
DENNIS RODMAN!
Blowout Haircuts!
Tiny DOOOOGS!
MMA TRAINING!
AFFLICTION HAAATS!
Constantly Updated STATI on FACEBOOOK!
Ventless SUIT JACKETS!
RVCA TEE SHIRTS!
Sandals with JEANS!
HAIRGEL!
A BARTENDING JOB! And a superficial SUPREMACY COMPLEX ABOUT IT! MAKE MY DRINK AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!
MILKSHAKES NIGGA!
MULTIPLE REPEATEDDD LETTERSSSS AND CAPS LOCK!
Hammers!
Arrogance when you cant even do your laundry, define sartorial, name the members of operation ivy, pay your rent, explain the single complication of a BELL AND ROSS BR01, ASSEMBLE A CPU FROM SCRATCH, download microsoft office FO FREE, do 100 push UPS, navigate yourself to a location you have only been once, PATCH A FLAT TIRE in a PARKING LOT, ROOF A HOUSE, perform a multi-level sort on excel, hit a BASE BALL, do a back FLIP, point out any girl and get her number, discern automatic MOVEMENT from QUARTZ, BUILD A DECK, name the atomic make up of a CARBOHYDRATE, differentiate ERMENEGILDO ZEGNA from HELMUT LANG and know how to determine the authenticity of either, dissasemble and REASSEMBLE a HK USP .40 compact, understand the works of MARQUES de SADE, fuck yourself im done

The Bank

I went to the bank today.

As I was leaving a dodge ram SRT10 careened into a handicapped spot. A large man in his late twenties or early thirties wearing a black affliction shirt, jeans and a douche bag haircut hopped out spryly and nearly bumped into me on his important path inside the bank.

He had to have been from new york or boca raton. He had a look of entitlement about him indicating he had never worked a day in his life and cheated his way through school; however, somehow he was built like a lumberjack and had a nice truck. He had big aviator sunglasses and true religion jeans. (My grandmother was involuntarily and vexingly handicapped).

I asked him if he was handicapped.

"Do I look it?" he replied dismissively as continued on in a limber stride.

I was awestruck. I held the repulsive vile rage in and modestly asked him "Do you want to be?"

He looked back questioningly to find that I had not moved from in front of his truck or taken my eyes off him. He made his transactions and felt my thousand yard stare on his back for the next ten minutes.

Exiting the bank he healthily strode past me limp-free into as I glared awesricken at his brazenness. The man tucked himself neatly into his truck and decided he was safe. I still had not moved or blinked.

As I walked away, he had a swell of pride. He rolled his window down and said “What?”

This is exactly what I wanted.

Now I’m not the type to start fights. Not only do they lead nowhere, but 99% of people do not expect or know what to do in an altercation unless they have been drinking or they are with their boys. Especially in Boca.

This could go two ways from here. I could tell him I wanted to rip the jugular vein out of his neck and drink from it like a keg in the parking lot. Perhaps I would tear his jaw off, grind it up with a protein shake and enjoy it after a nice workout. Maybe I’d wear his scalp like a hat. I had a few ideas. OR perhaps I could be the bigger man and gracefully help him realize his flaw. I chose the high road.

I saw the look in his Prada-shaded eyes as I stuck 60% of my body in his open passenger side window and calmly asked him to repeat the question. Perhaps he had not anticipated this. Apparently no one had ever dare disagree with this large, spoiled young man. He fumbled slightly and hit the lock button on his door.

Laugh. (Inside my head.)

The 6 foot tall 200 pounder looked at me, bewildered a 5’7” 160 pound punk ass would cross him and his anger grew. He became flustered as I calmly asked him again if he was handicapped. He replied with defensive answers like are you a manager here? Are you a cop? What the fuck, bro? I responded no. He was still seated in his truck and I had not flinched.

I asked him to really think about what he is doing and if this was even an argument. He told me to “mind my fucking business.” I prodded more, just to see how much of a pussy this guy was. I gave him a shit eating grin and said finally “Think about what you’re doing right now.” He cursed as he rolled up his window and peeled off, pointing at me. I had not intended to start a fight here; in fact I knew this man would not do a thing no matter how hard I pressed. Hopefully he got the message. I’m sure he realized his douchebaggery 5 minutes down the road and that’s one less douchebag for the day.

I win.

The Original Idea For MaggotZine was "Brain Puke"...

I really shouldn't be posting this, but sometimes you gotta go with your gut.

These pics are compiled so well, and they really are the cream of the crop. I started my search because I wanted to find the one that seems to have taken place at Fitchburg State, where I just transferred to for the fall. I knew I had to have this pic on hand to sum up my feelings after orientation today, it's too important to ignore that one of the most seen and most epic puke pictures of all time went down on or near the very campus I'll be spending the next two years at. Well, here it is.

Anticipation for Another New Album

Dinosaur Jr's new album called "Farm" is scheduled to come out at the end of the month. I already have my autographed copy pre-ordered, and I suggest everyone pick it up. In lue of Dinosaur's new offering, I bring you the first single entitled "Over It" and the video to go along with it. Dinosaur's video have always been funny, and this one may be my favorite yet. It's clear in the video that the bands passion for skateboarding still lives on, and J Mascis can really shred!

Sweet Emotion

I live in "The Aerosmith Building". Aerosmith lived in my building for the first few years they lived in Boston, and wrote many of their first songs here. I had always known this since I moved in, but it wasn't until recently that I saw the "Sweet Emotion" video and flipped. The video was shot in the basement of my building, where I take out the trash actually. The basement looks different than it did during the filming in 1991, however it's still really cool, being an Aerosmith fan, to live here. This may not be the typical MZ post, but I thought I would share this. Look for the exterior shot of the building and stoop, which drifts into the band playing downstairs in the basement.

The Most Important Music Video Since The Introduction of MTV

I just randomly had a flashback of this and I had to find it on YouTube.


I miss the 90's, remember the Toadies? I just got Rubberneck again it's just as good as it was ten years ago, go get it...

Shitty Skate Rap Videos

Even if you're not a skateboarder, you can appreciate the shittiness of the following videos. Incase you're not familiar with the embarrassment that is "skate rap" videos, let me break it down for you...

The first pro skateboarder turned rapper was Chris Gentry. He was (and I say "was" because other skaters have bumped him off) the laughingstock of the industry in the late 90's with his lame, candy-ass rap songs that made you want to climb into a deep, deep hole and never come out.



Unfortunately, Gentry doesn't make me cringe as much as some more current skateboarders have recently. First there was Terry Kennedy. He used to be a cool shit until he somehow got involved with MTV, dated Run's daughter, and now Terry Kennedy (a mediocre pro at best) is a rapper. When I first saw this video, I couldn't believe it was serious. He's rapping about shoes!



I thought this problem of skaters turned rappers couldn't get any worse. Boy was I wrong about that. Enter Jereme Rogers. Jereme, a pro from Boston, used to be a cool dude. I've met the guy, and he's always been a little weird, but he took the embarassment of skate rap to a whole new level with this dreadful display...

Go Go Go


Does anyone else find these songs unbearable?

Membership for Mating

As a goof I went to a dating website and joined. It was a free trial ( I wasn't going to invest anything more than my time for my curiosity) for a 10 day assessment. They guaranteed a match based on my personality and basic info. Mind you, I have no problem in the "dating area" let alone the fact that I'm happily in a relationship and going to get married soon. I just wanted to see what freak I got matched with. The short Bio below is what I posted in the "about me" section and "who im looking for". After posting it, about 2 days later I noticed that I could not log onto the site anymore and had received an email from the site's administration informing me that my profile has been deleted and that I was prohibited from using their services, due to my "crudeness, ignorance and bigotry".

Who im looking for:
An outgoing female that is turned on by hate crimes, enjoys sex in cars and one who is not afraid to participate in oral sex in front of their parents.

About me:
I'm a 27 year old male, in good shape and outgoing. I'm cooler than most and funnier then the rest. I enjoy drinking, insulting fat people and picking up women in bars only to have them clean my apartment. I like dining out, throwing things at immigrants and going to outreach programs for rape victims wearing a "just say no" t-shirt and pass out my phone number.

However, before being expelled from the site I did get 5 matches from interested women(obviously victims of sexual abuse and major codependent issues) but 'Interested' none the less...haha Take THAT E-harmony!

Let's Get One Thing Straight...

Requiem For A Teen

It's waaaaaaaaaaaay too late for me to be doing anything, never mind blogging, but I'm upset. It was announced today by the goddess herself that Exene Cervenka has multiple-sclerosis. I am devastated. It might not seem like a big deal to somebody who has maintained a life outside of punk-rock, but this is an incredible moment. Exene was not only the first female punk singer, she remains the archetype for any and every girl with the balls to front a band. It should also be pointed out that she is the ex-wife of one of our greatest living actors, Viggo Mortenson. They have a child together, Henry, who is now 21.

Cervenka and the legendary John Doe were planning an X reunion for the Sweet Relief Musicians Fund. Please give what you can, as I will. Any distasteful jokes/references will be met with boot-to-balls. No exceptions.

Project Natal-Xbox 360 Motion Sensing System

I used to remember when xbox first came out it was a huge concrete block, (not literally). The first Xbox was so heavy it had a warning about dropping it on someone can cause injuries. But no one gave a crap about its weight or how it looked, it had the sickest graphics anyone had ever seen in a system. It destroyed the PS2 in graphics and every other gaming system that was out at the time. Then Xbox had to do it again with the 360, out-beasting the Wii and the PS3 with graphics, and also with online gaming and all the extra shit it has. The Piece of Shit 3 stood no chance again, and well the Wii was still in the competition with its motion sensing system and not forget the cheap price too. However Microsoft was not going to stop, they kept BEASTING it, coming out with avatars last fall which allowed gamers to create their own characters and use them within arcade games. Now its 2009 and the E3 (Electronic Entertaiment Expo) show in CA was up and running today. So Xbox had to keep BEASTING it with their own Motion Sensing System that unlike the Wii is Control-less. YES NO FUCKING CONTROLS. so this is where i stop and just let you watch the future of gaming unravel before your eyes. XBOX is out to take over the gaming world. CANT WAIT!!!! Check out the link below for Xbox.com to watch the official video